As the jolly fat man squeezes his way down your chimney, drinks the VB you kindly left him and smashes the plate of cookies like he’s high as a kite on some of Nimbin’s finest green. It starts to get you thinking. If Santa got pulled over, breathalysed and drug tested, christmas would be ruined. No matter how magical the man might be, there is how many people in the world these days expecting his fat arse to climb down their chimney in his Coca Cola sponsored red suit? Even if a quarter of those people left him out a beer he’d still blow well and truly over. Being forced to ask Dasher or Dancer to take the reins while he slept it off in the back. I know, I know you are all going why not Rudolph? Think about it! If Rudolph drives the sleigh how in the heck will they see what’s in front of them? The poor bastard is stuck lighting the way like a flying lighthouse.
So with Christmas done and New Years approaching this time of year is always confusing as most people have no idea what day it is or date and some even confused as to the time due to lack of sleep and changed sleeping patterns. All they know is there is still plenty of beer in the fridge, the cricket is on and mum’s salads are still in the fridge and if we are lucky enough, there is still some prawns for us to make a sanga. Across this wide brown land there is a haze hanging over towns and cities with people waking up hungover as all hell wishing they hadn’t got stuck into nan’s west coast coolers that she’s kept in the fridge for the past 3 years or dads bottle of port he got when he retired (the first time, not the last, by then they just waved him off and said see you in 6 months you crazy old coot).
It’s a new week and you know what that means! A new Mind of Its Own and another topic getting the royal treatment from the team. So this week yes we are still drunk and still full of christmas ham that will continue to be served for breakfast, lunch and dinner until the last little bit of it is gone. No part of the ham will be wasted apparently as the bone is thrown into a pot to make ham and pea soup or some kind of bone broth (It’s what happens when you live with new age hippies). With another 10kgs under our belts most of it beer and ham we thought it was about time we graced your screens once again and gave you all a little pre New Years dose of A Mind of its own as we head into what is another period of non-stop drinking and eating and talking crap to anyone who will listen around the BBQ.
This week we are taking a look at what’s happening around the grounds given most of you haven’t moved further than the several meters of all rooms in your house since knocking off work on christmas eve. You’ve no doubt starred in the mirror a few times and promised yourself to cut back on the drinking and actually do some exercise in the new year but until them it’ll be like the time at A Mind of Its Own who have all vowed to eat and drink as much as they can before having to go back to the real world in a few days time, which lets be honest no one is looking forward anywhere around Australia but as always those bills aren’t going to pay themselves and someone has to do it unfortunately.
We’ll start in our favourite city the home of the cashed up bogan, where you can see just about anything and not think it is strange well at least if you live there or frequent it often enough. The home of the plastic fantastics, the mandatory airbags, the duck lip delights and the full sleeve tattoo. Yes we are once again in the Gold Coast where the local council has made a massive cock-up over some scooters. Someone at council has got their knickers in a knot as Lime scooters move in to dominate the electric scooter market and not ask the council permission for something that is legal in Queensland anyways. Do we think someone is a little peeved that didn’t get a brown bag under a desk somewhere to smooth it over? Yeah probably or they are unhappy that it could mean fewer cars on the road? Who knows but not something that should have been on the front page of the Gold Coast Bulletin.
Continuing north we hit Brisvegas and what a city, the sweeping river and high rises adding to the panoramic views with the story bridge in the background and we’ve not only got more urine than usual in the man-made beach at Southbank but we’ve got a baby formula crisis with several Woolworth’s stores reporting that customers have finally worked out a way to rort the two tin limit by run paying running out of the store and coming back in to buy to more and rinse and repeat for several occasions. Whether or not they are then selling it on the black market to china, India or another country where access to decent baby formula is all but non-existent we’re starting to wonder why we didn’t think of this. A Mind of Its Own could have gone into the exporting business and made a motza on baby formula!!!
Heading across to Darwin the top of the news ladder there is yet another potential cyclone building north of the gulf of Carpentaria closely followed by twenty stories of croc attacks and fisherman having their catches stolen. Oh and a warning that police will be out in force this new years eve so those planning to visit Darwin’s only irish pub should behalf themselves or they could wind up on an episode of Territory Cops in 2019. Clearly there is not a lot happening in the top end. Their tourism marketing campaign has clearly upset the sensibilities of way too many people. What’s wrong with CUin the NT?
Following the coast we make our way to Australia’s most western city where the major news bulletins are all talking about old mate Bob Hawke’s poor health. We’ll he is getting on so it’s not a surprise but we do feel for you Bobby and are sending you our best wishes! Surprisingly it’s not a crocodile closing down the beaches of but yet another shark sighting at the iconic Scarborough beach closing all the beach along that stretch of coast. And in some news that we can all be proud of and finally take some interest in a twenty something Perthian discusses how having a craft beer overseas helped him make a career out of brewing beer.
Leaving the sunny scenes of Perth behind we hop on over to Adelaide, who are somewhat stuck in 1955 and it wouldn’t surprise anyone if the front page of the local paper was discussing how they’ve just got radio or CD’s or even better dial-up internet! Sadly as stuck in time as the city may seem top of their news announcements was the sad death of a Nepalese carer who was found by water police ending a 17 hour search for the man. We feel for the man’s family and pass on our deepest condolences. Leaving Adelaide on a more sombre note the barossa valley is primed for a spike in wine sales over the coming days as holiday makers stock up for new years.
Over to what some people will call the cultural hub of Australia the once touted site of what was to be Australia’s capital city losing out to the leafy suburbs of Canberra we are in Melbourne where Australia are once again putting on a poor display in the cricket, the crowd are stocking up on sandpaper at the local bunnings in the hopes that some tampering might improve performances out in the middle of the MCG. New Years seems to be a hot ticket in the press with Melbourne’s fireworks event said to be a world’s first as they spread out the launching barges in the Yarra over 7.5 Kilometres.
Crossing over the Bass Straight to the only state where your new-born child doesn’t have to identify with a sex. We’ve reach Tasmania our third last stop around the country to bring you the news headlines. With the thrill of the Sydney to Hobart now over, the only other thing Tasmania’s really have to talk about is their production of fine foods and craft spirits, which seems to be the top headlines over on the Hobart Mercury website and it would seem the Sydney to Hobart is not over with some pompous rich guy lodging a complaint over something because he didn’t win… Clearly not a lot happening down south unless you are into yachting and fine foods.
Into the nation’s capital we go where we are for once not looking for multi-million dollar statues shaped like penis’s of steel girders stuck in the ground to represent grass. In what is shaping up to be one of the bigger news stories to watch over the coming months it seems that our nation’s capitals residence more commonly referred to as Canberrans are divided. We’d like to say for the first time but when you live in a city run by government and frequented by politicians as they head up to the hill for another session of parliament it’s no surprise that Canberrans can’t decide whether they are for the use of personal drones or against them over the skies of Canberra. Clearly a slow news week in Canberra without the politicians making an arse of themselves.
We’ve reached the last stop on our good news tour of the country. We’ve sailed in through the heads to botany bay and have pulled up to circular quay in order to find out what’s happening in the city of Sydney. It’s all about the roads, they are melting and sweltering in Sydney heatwave with no end in sight past new years eve. The beaches are full to the brim as people from the western suburbs make their way to the coast for some much-needed cooling off and air conditioners are pumping away in the homes of those that can’t be bothered. A weather warning has gone out to the sick and elderly to ensure they find some cool shelter and kids shouldn’t be on the melting tar at any point in time without shoes. It’s put a stop to a lot of local street cricket matches as pimply little Kyle from next door complains of ball tampering as the Slazenger picks up tar and rock on it’s way down the pitch.
With another one down before the new year we hope you’ve all caught up on the important news from around the country and more importantly your city. We wish you all a safe and very happy new years and as always eat, drink and be merry and if you don’t want to be merry just be yourself. Sadly this will be our last post this year as we are taking a few days out to ourselves, which are much need! That said enough for the year and see you in 2019 were we’ll come back bigger and badder than ever. Ok Peace out!
A Mind of its Own... 