Into The Abyss…

The world we live in is often strange and perplexing particularly when it comes to people’s points of view or theories. As we’ve mentioned before, Ideas are like arseholes, everyone has one. Ask anyone in the world and they will tell you there is no shortage of myths, legends and conspiracy theories. The team have even attempted to tackle one or two of them in the past like when we tried to raise the roof off the house that is the anti vaccination movement. Like the anti-vaxxer movement there are several conspiracy theories that have come to light in recent times that grow support from the strangest of places and often perplex everyday people as to how or why people could think such a thing.

Unlike the Anti Vaccination movement however this weeks subject to sit in the Mind of Its Own interrogation chair and the cop waterboarding treatment (We never signed up to the Geneva convention) does not really have a leg to stand on. It’s amazing how and again why this theory has managed to develop such a following particularly with today’s technology and our knowledge of the earth. As we sat watching a documentary on the topic thinking what the fork are these people on about and how haven’t they been committed to the closest mental health facility yet. It began to pique our interest as to how they’d originally been introduced to the topic themselves and how there believe had grown to what it is today.

Going through school you are taught one plus one equals two, you breath oxygen because without it we’d die and the earth is the only inhabited planet in our solar system that we currently know of. What if everything you have ever been taught is a lie? What if the Earth isn’t real and all of this is just some giant machine that we are a part of? What if we are all just plugged into the matrix and were never to be given the choice between the blue or the red pill? We’ll if you believe that this week’s topic is true, which we are about to  pull it apart like a Bakers Delight six share loaf at smoko, then you are pretty much of the opinion that everything you have been taught, everything you know is one big fat lie. To this day you are being lied to about any and everything in what would be the world’s greatest conspiracy since religion was born. Sorry to all our religious friends out there but with Cardinal Pell being done for kiddy fiddling we are of the opinion that the catholic church is full of seedy old men who like to get their jollies by touching little kids and it makes us sick!

We don’t know about you, but at school we were taught the earth is round and rotates on an axis, we have a north pole and south pole. The earth is divided into a northern and a southern hemisphere and we rotate around the sun in what gives us a calendar year (365 days). We have gravity, it affects the tides and brings meaning to the saying ‘what goes up, must come down’. Outside of Earth there is space, within that space are other planets, stars, suns, moons, galaxies and countless other civilisations no doubt that we are yet to discover or don’t want us to discover them for fear we’ll ruin their planet just like we are ours. So going back to the theory of what if it was all just one big lie, what if none of what we know is true, what if it was all made up as part of the largest conspiracy theory to span the globe. Every government in the world is in on it like a massive April’s fools joke waiting to punch you in arm and scream April fools as they jump out from behind the curtains in your mother’s living room.

If you are a Flat Earther then as far as you’re concerned a lot of the things you have been taught are a lie. The earth is not round, it’s flat like a disc and the north and south pole well they are just part a massive ringed wall of ice that hems in the world. Those ice walls rise up to the sky in an effort to keep us in or to keep people out? Either way we aren’t too sure how this theory even grew legs in the modern era given the scientific breakthroughs and discoveries over the last century. Does that mean we live in a dome? Like the Truman show we are all just wandering around on a giant film set with no idea on what is actually happening around us or that everything is fake and giant lie. According to flat earthers this is exactly what is happening to all of us on a global scale. We puppets or pieces in a giant game where we have little to no say in how our lives are governed and what we are taught. Sounds a lot like living in Australia or America in 2019 where we are governed by Oompa-Loompas and balding fat old men.

We’re sorry but in what world other than George Orwell’s 1984, would every government come together to create such a glorious lie. We can’t even agree on global warming so i’m not sure how on earth they could continue to cover up that the earth is flat and not round. We’ve fought wars over religion, over resources and over peoples rights but it’s all just a big lie according to our Flat Earth Friends. The moon landing, putting astronauts and cosmonauts in space, building an international space station, sending probes off into the far reaches of the galaxy and satellites that take photos of the earth and surrounding planets. Telescopes that allow us to see into the vast distance of space. Need we say more about the technology and large well funded organisations involved in proving that the Earth is indeed round and not flat? Or is that all fake too? Just another part of the real life Truman show we all live in?

But if you ask a Flat Earther and yes that’s what they call themselves in what we, here believe is the dumbest conspiracy theory to ever gain notoriety, they’ll give you an answer to every question you have around the topic and why it is true. They’ll even tell you that scientists are stumped by some of the hypothesis and theories they have brought to light in proving that the earth is flat and yet the academics & scientists can’t use their beloved science to prove the Flat Earth theory is incorrect. One particular scene in the Netflix documentary titled Behind the Curve it shows Youtuber and leader of the Flat Earth movement Mark Sargent (He’s a conspiracy theory nut from way back, a true middle american) looking out across a lake at Toronto or some city (We can’t remember as it was at this point we started questioning the sanity of these people) claiming that if the earth was round he shouldn’t be able to see it but because it’s flat he can see the city in the distance across the flat lake. Yeah good one Mark you’ve made us believers….pause…Not!

Apparently it’s a no brainer, the earth is flat, gravity doesn’t exist and the next thing they’ll be telling us is that space doesn’t exist that’s just the pretty lights of the dome, that would make shooting stars falling light globes and global warming is only happening because the giant air conditioner is broken. Stuck on heat mode it’s melting the ice walls of the dome causing sea levels to rise and weird weather patterns, until the governments of the world can stop bickering over who has the better haircut and send the repairmen up there and fix it. Once that’s done global warming will disappear altogether, they can pull the giant bath plug and let out some of the sea water out so that water recedes to an acceptable level. From their we’ll all go back to continuing the giant lie that the earth is round, covering up the fact the earth is flat not round as we’ve all been lead to believe for our entire lives.

In a disturbing turn of events it seems there is actually a fake space movement, we haven’t looked into it or done any research as we are still trying to wrap our head around the old world theory that explorers will sail right off the edge of the earth as it’s flat. From what we have seen though on twitter and youtube again follows the vein of global conspiracy that we are all being lied to. Wait till flat earth and fake space societies team up and create the we’ve been lied to all our lives society and nothing is real. What we can’t understand is that if the earth is indeed flat does that mean that science is also a fallacy and everything we’ve discovered and know is also a lie. Are we even sitting here typing out this blog for you right. All our combined years on the planet and we still have people whose belief systems aren’t based on sound or measured data that can actually prove their theories. At one point in the documentary they dispelled there own theory through one of their experiments which went down like the Hindenburg in a ball of flames.

What we really struggle to understand is the proof or lack thereof that can prove their theory of a flat earth. Just because we tell you that this is the best blog you will ever read does that make it true? No to prove that you would go and read other blogs before coming back and telling us we were right. You will search for proof, for answers, for data for something measurable against our claim to prove or disprove it. Trust us though we are a great blog. The main claim of the Flat Earth society focuses on the premise that we are and have been lied to by our governments, by NASA, historians, scientists, the list goes on of people throughout history who have lied or helped to continue to cover up that the earth is flat. We are still searching for any data that can prove their theories or that there is a major global cover up underway.

The idea that what we are being told, taught, passed on over generations is a giant lie and that we only believe it to be true because that’s what we know or have been told is a similar argument our good friends at the Anti Vaccination movement also tried to tell us. You know what there is some truth in it. You shouldn’t believe everything you read but you should also do your research thoroughly. It would also help if you have some credible scientist, scholars and spokespeople to help with your cause.  We are yet to see one Flat Earther take a film crew and sail completely around the edge of our supposedly flat earth, documenting either the drop off into the abyss or the giant ice walls that ring us in. But apparently they’ve already supplied us with enough proof that the earth is indeed flat and domed in shape kind of like a giant snow globe just waiting for someone to come along and shake it.

Watching Mark Sargent throw tiny globes into a trash can stating that they are no longer needed and we should be teaching our children about a flat earth, a truthful earth made the team want to go out and find tiny flat earth discs and throw them off the edge of the planet along with Mr Sargent and is band of followers. As he sat there talking about how flight paths of aircraft prove that the earth is flat and not round as they don’t fly curved paths on the computer screen in front of him it dawned on us that this guy was a little from than just nuts. Looking into him a little more we discovered that he is a true conspiracy theorist from Area 51 to 9/11 even so far to say there was a secret government city under the Denver airport. Mark unless the flight paths are in 3D you aren’t going to see the curvature on your screen mate, what you are looking at is a two dimensional image. It’s true people do really listen to and follow morons!.

People put the crack pipe down, stop taking the crazy pills and most importantly wake the hell up. We had a few other choice words in their that we thought were better left out incase any of our younger subscribers were reading this. The earth is most definitely not flat, gravity does indeed exist, beyond the earth is space and we are certainly not alone there has to be other civilizations more advanced than our own who also know the earth is not flat. Oh but you believe in aliens just not that the earth is round, good one Flat Earthers! Out of all the conspiracy theories in the world what on earth would make people think that it’s flat. Is it the lack of mountains, the lack of round appearance as you look at the sky or the pictures taken from space? Whatever it is this is one theory the team can’t even open their minds to. Science and its discoveries have given us a lot over the last couple of hundred years. When Christopher Columbus didn’t sail off the end of the earth we thought the flat earth theory was dead but no it’s sadly lives on in the hearts and minds of people all around the world.

As always we advocate the right to believing whatever you choose, freedom of speech, expression of ideas, theories and hypothesis, we just aren’t on board with the theory that the earth is flat and there is one giant global cover up going on to stop us all from finding out the truth about the earth. If you believe in a flat earth we are happy for you and your 1800’s views just please do us a favour and at least come up with some measurable data to prove so. Until next week ladies and gentlemen, look to the stars for they hold the answers and don’t be afraid to go boldly where no man or woman has gone before. From the team here we wish well and we’ll be gracing your screens once again next week with another installment of A Mind of Its Own…

Cheating At Solitaire…

We’ve been at this for close to sixty posts now and we’ve tackled a lot of good things over our time bringing you A Mind of Its Own so far but we made a promise to ourselves and to our fan base that 2019 was going to be a big year in the blogosphere for us. We’ve got a few things happening in the background that will hopefully take us to the next level and we are looking forward to expanding our reach across social media and various other forms of media. When this blog was first started it was started as a way for its founder to help combat his anxiety and depression. For months blog post after blog post, just sat idle on his laptop waiting for him to find the courage to put it out there in the ether for people to read.

It was about this time last year that courage started growing like a wildfire and the idea of A Mind Of Its Own was born. The premise being that no topic was too big or too small to be tackled and each piece could in fact take on a mind of its own. Since then our writing has grown and we’ve begun to develop our own style, own views and most importantly our own confidence that no matter what the topic people will read it and whether they like it or not is of no importance to us. We write because we can, we write because we want to and most of all we write because if we don’t who it going to tackle the topics that people really want to hear about? Life is a lot bigger and better when it takes on a mind of its own.

So without further delay we launch into this weeks blog, masterpiece, comedy session and advice column, editorial and puff piece all rolled into one. With a lot happening in the world we thought we’d take a look at the months to come. It’s that time of the year where we can pack away the cricket gear, not that it was out much this year given the way the Australian team performed over the summer at home. They may as well of done some ball tampering it might have improved their performance. The big bash final concluded on the weekend and unless you are from Victoria no one really cared when the final was between to Melbourne sides. The soccer is all but done no idea who won this years who cares cup in either the mens or the women’s, while the Women’s AFL is underway and Carlton have finally won a game after 12 months.

We are in the lead up to football season here in Australia and the team here are hanging out to see the mighty Swans kick off their 2019 campaign. We’ve lost a few favourites but picked up some guns to try to fill their shoes while hanging on to our bigger guns which should see us in top four contention for yet another season in a row. The NRL will be underway with no doubt plenty of scandals for 2019 surely we will see some home videos of animals being harassed, cocaine being snorted, ladies being harassed, sex scandals galore along with public defecation and no doubt other acts of indecencies from men with IQ’s lower than elite golfers handicaps. Then there’s the Rugby Union, the private school boys who have brought out every pair of Chinos and cotton shirts they can find before running around on the weekend shoving their heads up the bums of their teammates in what is better known as a scrum.

If that’s not enough sport for you then the Yanks have the silly men skating around on ice, several Aussies shooting hoops in the NBA and baseball season is about to kick off. What we are really looking forward to is the Pro Kabaddi league in India. If you haven’t seen a game of Kabaddi we recommend you google it and get on board. It’s like tackle british bulldog but for grown men and women. Oh and how could we forget the lingerie football league or for the ladies the topless summer league. There’ll be finals and playoffs around the world in all forms of sport and we almost forgot our favourite sport, netball will once again grace our screens on free to air tv. With so much to watch the DVR will be running hot to ensure we don’t miss a minute.

Which finally brings us to amateur sport in the great land down under. We’ll see children, men and women from all walks of life gracing local ovals, courts, fields, tracks and whatever else in their attempts to seek glory in their chosen sporting field. Heck even the grumpy old man in the office here is strapping on the shinnies and having another run around with the Kingscliff stingers in an attempt to go back to back in the Gold Coast stickball league (Field Hockey) he’ll no doubt pull up sore and have some issues with his back and hamstrings but he has assured us that this is the last stand for him in the top grade before retiring down the grades and helping to bring the youth through.

With that said we thought we’d give you a quick overview of teams to watch throughout winter 2019. That being said we’ll start with the women:

Brisbane Firebirds – Netball

If you believe everything you read the Lorna Jane (Yep shameless sponsorship plug there) Firebirds are the most successful elite netball side in Australian history with five grand final appearances and three championship wins over the last eight years. With former Sydney Swan Kurt Tippet’s sister Gretel leading the charge in the front half of the court the diamonds goal attack has been in fine form for the last couple of seasons. Back up by her good mate Gabbi Simpsons the Firebirds will be looking to make their way to the big dance once again.

North Melbourne – AFL Womens

One of the two new kids on the block in the women’s AFL the Shinboners known for booting their opponents in the shins have hit the ground running and are currently three from three in their inaugural AFLW season. Picking up big names like Hope and Ashmore from established clubs the Kangas have been exciting to watch so far this season. Former Hockeyroo Georgia Nanscawen or how ever you say it, the aussie ranga has followed Collingwood big gun Georgie Parker in defecting from stick and ball and found herself a home at the Kangas. Make sure you watch Kaitlyn Ashmore the 27-year-old has impressed in her previous seasons at the Brisbane Lions.

Sydney Swans – AFL

The bloods have been impressive over the last two seasons with Captain Josh Kennedy leading from the front. Big Buddy Franklin has provided a target up front and the swans midfield is one of the best in the league with the likes of Kennedy, Heeney and Parker providing pace and experience. Add in McVeigh who seems to only get be better with age and the pace of Zak Jones the Swans have recruited well over the past couple of season with the likes of Ronke, Papley and Hayward showing their worth in 2018, the swans picked up a few new faces for 2019 who will no doubt be keen to show their value and commitment to the club.

Canberra Raiders – NRL

This year we are thinking it’s time to hang up the blue and yellow of Parramatta and jump ship to the Canberra Raiders who are due a top four spot after recent years of coming so close. Secretly we’ll still be praying that the Eels find some form or half their players get released from jail in time for kickoff but we won’t be holding our breath so come on the green machine. Does Laurie Daley still play for them? What about that Croker guy? Do we know one single player, probably not we just looked at the ladder for the past couple of years and knew we were on to a winner,. $100 on green for a top four finishing? The odds are pretty good in our favour.

Waratahs – Super Rugby

With one of the best lineups of Australian Rugby talent the Tahs are a serious contender for the Championship yet again in 2019. To rattle off a few Hooper, Foley. Kefu, Hunt, Falou, Staniforth, Beale and Ashley-Cooper sounds more like a Wallabies lineup than a Super Rugby side. With plenty of speed and talent these movers and shakers are keen for a big 2019 Super Rugby season. We’ll certainly be pulling on our Tahs jerseys in support of the boys from Sydney as they attempt to bring the trophy back to Australia and instill some faith in the union supporters community. Like our cricketers our Wallabies haven’t been doing to well in recent times.

Las Vegas Golden Knights – AHL

The new kids on the block had a stellar first season in as they chased Stanley Cup glory only faltering in playoff games to miss a ticket to the dance. Not since the Edmonton Oilers and Harford Whalers in the 1979-80 season and a team clinched a playoff berth in their inaugural season in the league. Continuing their run of good form the Knights from Vegas set several records on their way to the big dance. Unfortunately they fell short in the Stanley Cup playoffs to a polished Washington Capitals outfit. Seeking out their first cup the desert dwellers are keen to hit the ice in 2019 and show they are serious contenders for the cup.

Kingscliff Stingers – Gold Coast Hockey League

Rounding out our teams to watch in the winter of 2019 the beach boys from across the NSW border have a point to prove in 2019 as they attempt to go back to back after taking out last year’s premiership against a tough Labrador outfit. While the team has gone through some changes in the off-season. They return with almost a full compliment from the 2018 final, including a few new names to the roster and the stepping down of several key players from the top grade. Making way for youth is a priority for the club and head coach from olympic gold medalist Nathan Egglington, who made his return to the club last season after spending years in Western Australia in the Australian set up as both a player and coach after retiring from international duties. 2019 is set to be a big season for the green and black.

So with plenty of sport happening over the next 6 months there is no reason to get bored. We’ll keep you updated throughout the months and weeks as we watch teams chase glory on their chosen stage. We’ll also watch the angry old man in the office come in on a Monday morning whining about how sore he is from the weekend’s game. We certainly know one thing, we’ll have plenty of sport on the idiot box to keep us occupied over the coming months and with sport comes a few frothies and some time with mates at the pub. Whatever your poison when it comes to sport, support your team loud and support your team proud.

The the team here at A Mind of Its Own wishes you happy viewing and an amazing winter, rug up and stay warm if you’re south of the Sydney and for all us coastal kids we’ll make sure we enjoy the sun for you when it comes out and about to say hello. Until next week we bid you a fond farewell and hope you’ve enjoyed another installment of the blog to kill all blogs. We’ll leave you with this little piece of food for thought. It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. – Confucius

What it Feels Like to Be a Ghost…

We are back, we’ve finally crawled out of our hole we’ve been hiding in to write you something to write you something, this week you will get two blogs to ensure we are back on track to hit our target of one blog a week at a minimum for twenty nineteen. Whilst we won’t be disappointed if we don’t reach our goals it is still always good to have something to aim at. Goals are a good thing to have and here at A Mind of It’s Own we have plenty of goals and plenty of ambitions for the next couple of years to come.

After a week in hiatus and having to shut down the office in order for a hazmat team in to come in and decontaminate the place the team are slowly starting to bounce back. It’s been a week of antibiotics, steroids lots of tissues, snot, and absolutely not the glamour that we are used to. Gone are the designer suits, shoes, shirts and watches to be replaced by the daggiest clothes we could find. When the term “Netflix and Chill” was created we doubt they had the image of 30 something year old males coughing and spluttering on the couch while watching reruns of their favourite shows from yesteryear. Such has been the way of life for much of the team over the past week.

Having been struck down with a vicious case of the “Man Flu” and yes it is just as real as thigh chafe and bra rub two of the more common ailments our female friends tend to suffer. So this week’s blog is solely dedicated to the plight that thousands of males go through, that’s right we’ve dedicated this weeks blog to the Man Flu. It’s taken us over a week to recover and we are still working through the remainder of what is the worst Man flu to hit the crew since the Black Plague ripped through Europe from 1346 to 1353 and killed millions upon millions. It’s time to wake up people Man flu is a real thing. Yes all those wifes, girlfriends, lovers are groaning and palming their faces, shaking their heads and mouthing “whatever” before looking at every sick man with disgust.

Firstly for our readers who don’t know what it is the ‘Man Flu’ according to both the Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries, that’s right ladies and gentleman it is now in the dictionary and defined as ‘a cold or similar minor ailment as experienced by a man who is regarded as exaggerating the severity of the symptoms’. Another reference taken from Urban dictionary called it ‘Wimpy man syndrome’. Commonly used the term could be describing a constitutional character flaw of men who when felled by cold or flu embellish the severity of their symptoms. That however is about to change, no longer will man need to feel bad for being afflicted with the Man Flu.

Over the centuries women have pointed at, made fun of and even spoken down to the sick man. They’ve said men become sooks or as pointed out ‘Wimpey’, painful and don’t know how to deal with pain or how to handle a little common cold or the flu. Well ladies and gentleman stress no longer because the good people at Memorial University of Newfoundland, that’s in Canada ladies and gentleman. Our good friends over in the land of maple syrup, hockey and Michael Buble have done men the world over proud by actually going out and proving once and for all that men were right for once in their lives .

In what is thought to be the first study of its it’s kind headed up by Doctor Kyle Sue a clinical assistant professor, a team analysed relevant research and found evidence that adult men have a higher risk of hospitalisation and higher rates of influenza associated deaths compared to their female counterparts regardless of underlying diseases.Furthermore the good doctor also found that men, yes ladies men are more susceptible to complications and higher mortality from many acute respiratory diseases, while some evidence supported that those with a dick and balls suffer more from viral respiratory illnesses than women because sadly we men have less robust immune systems.

That little hormone that makes us different from our female biped friends, you know the one, some old men get it as part of replacement therapy as they start to run out of it later in life. Testosterone that thing that athletes and big burly men often spray across the floor of stadiums and sporting fields in order to impress women, get women and often scare off women, could be the one thing that is causing the Man Flu. Testosterone the thing that makes us men, the one hormone we have more of than anything is else the one thing that could be ensuring we are forever to suffer from the dreaded Man Flu.

Thought to suppress the immune system, testosterone could lead to men’s inability to combat things like the common cold and the flu unlike our female counterparts whose sex hormone is believed to boost their immune system. So looking at the research we are sure doctor Sue has helped plant a flag for men around the world and helped to wake people up to the plight that is the Man Flu. It also helps to explain why men are more susceptible to secondary infections and viruses.

For years we have been banging on that we are misunderstood and the man flu was real, now we can finally say that someone has actually done some research, that potentially will forever change the perception of Man Flu. Like all things that people don’t understand our good friend Man Flu will rise up from the ashes and totally shine a light on the fact that it is indeed a real ailment, it is indeed not a myth, not a false claim but is indeed a real life thing that men all around the world have been suffering for centuries. So from all the men around the world thank you to Doctor Kyle Sue and his team for painting some light on our plight.

No longer do we need to be spoken down to in our moments of need, our moments requiring support and most importantly a little compassion and love. Man Flu is real, it is now, it exists and most importantly it defines why we cop a bad rap when we are sick. So without further adieu we bid our loyal fans goodbye for yet another episode and start preparing for next week as well as finishing off the previous weeks blog. With a tonne of writing to get to we’ll leave you with this, if someone is sick or unwell just treat them the way you’d want to be treated it’s the best thing you can do and it’s also pays to be nice. That being said we’ll leave you to it for the week. Long live Man Flu!

A Decade Under the Influence…

Of all the asinine things in the world we’d have to say we’ve hit the mother load this week as we head into another chapter of A Mind of Its Own. Just when we thought the world couldn’t surprise us anymore, just when we thought we were slowly starting to get on some stable footing and just when we thought there’d be some good news to come across our desks. The world flips us on our head and pushes us into a deep, dark pit of despair once again. Why you ask? Because for people who are meant to be at the top of the food chain we do some very stupid things. Things that often leave us scratching our heads and asking whiskey, tango, foxtrot (WTF)? And if you don’t know what that means we aren’t going to spell it out for you this is a safe environment that tries not to offend readers with profanities.

Human Beings for all our brilliance often do some very dumb things, recently an article came across the desks of one of the writers who often provides this fine blog with ideas, inspiration and from time to time a piece of writing or two. The article whilst on first glance was quite mundane and something that normally wouldn’t interest the team here at A Mind of Its Own. But after a second glance and a few giggles, like we were back in primary school hearing the words penis and vagina for the first time. Reading it again and again we began to see the stupidity that comes when people see something that could potentially be used as something else or will give them an ability to get more likes on social media.

So we’ve all walked past one of those Lush cosmetics stores, you know the ones you can smell them from one end of the shopping centre and you’re standing down the other end on the lower level. Yeah you know the one we are talking about now. Well it seems they’ve brought a new bath bomb range just in time for valentines day, what that’s not a surprise you say given they are known for their fruity chemical cocktails that get lobbed into your bathtub turning the water every colour under the sun as they foam up the water from their fizz. Well our dear friends this isn’t just any bath bomb range this is the bomb range to end all bomb ranges in your bath. The range includes an emoji peach, a banana and the one phallic symbol that every dirty text message since emojis were invented has included and been banned by instagram. Yes folks you’ve heard it here they’ve come out with the big eggplant emoji in a bath bomb. That big purple monster can add some fizz along with a little hilarity to your valentines day bath.

What’s the big issue you ask? It’s a little fun and something that might spice up your romantic overpriced, commercialed day. Well the issue ladies and gentleman is that some of our female species and potentially male have decided that since it looks like the big eggplant they’ve been sent in many a text message from people feeling in the mood, they’d try to use them as a sex toy. Instead of that fizz dissolving in your bath it’s now fizzing away in vaginas and anuses all around the world. Again we can hear people saying what’s the issue with that? If people want to use the Eggplant emoji bath bomb as a dildo why can’t they? Firstly just don’t and secondly well just don’t there are several medical reasons as to why you’re not supposed to put bath bombs up your vajutes or butt.

If we hadn’t found several articles on it we wouldn’t have believed it ourselves, by doing exactly this you are compromising the good bacteria inside your vagina, direct quote from a doctor, someone who actually took the time to go to university for 6 plus years and learn all about the body. This particular doctor though specialises in Obstetrics and gynecology so we trust her judgement on the matter. Oh and she’s a woman so she has one, a vagina that is. To put it bluntly you are killing all the good bacteria that helps your vagina self regulate, yeah we learnt that as well this week, the vagina is an amazing organ that cleans itself. They don’t teach you that in sex education, instead they introduce you to the banana yet another phallic symbol that has often been where it shouldn’t have as well. Causing a slight itch or at worst a severe urinary tract infection.

The fact that bath bombs include the following ingredients some of which are chemicals we might add is a clear indication as to why you shouldn’t put them where they don’t belong. Citric Acid, Bergamot Oil, Ho Wood Oil, Litsea Cubeba Oil, Tonka Absolute, Fresh Aubergine, Cream of Tartar, Water, Titanium Dioxide, Sodium Coco Sulfate, Propylene Glycol, Synthetic Fluorphlogopite, Tin Oxide, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Benzyl Alcohol, Butylphenyl Methylpropional, Citral, Coumarin, Hydroxycitronellal, Limonene, Linalool, Perfume and Colours a shit load of colours each with a different 5 to 6 digit number.

If that’s not enough to turn anyone off from trying to make love to one of these eggplant emoji shaped bath bombs we don’t know what is. The fact that putting any of the above in your vagina screams please give me a serious urinary tract infection if i put this where it shouldn’t go, should be enough to stop people but alas it doesn’t. Despite all the warning labels and warnings from specialist doctors people are still trying to use them as sex toys which takes us back to our above statement about humans being stupid. Maybe some of it’s inherited, maybe some of it’s the internet and social media and maybe just maybe its something do with our laziness as people. Always looking for the quickest and easiest way from point A to B.

Ladies and Gentleman if you feel that you need to make love to an emoji that looks like an eggplant we have done our research for you. Guess what? You are in luck! There is a company that makes an actual sex toy shaped and coloured like the emoji symbol so many people are using as a dick in text messages these days. It’s made of latex and apparently is safe for you to stick where the sun doesn’t shine till your little hearts are content. So instead of sticking that bath bomb up there and compromising your bodies internal ecosystem spend the money and get one that you don’t have to worry about the effects on your foo foo or butt hole.

Is it just the team here at a mind of its own or is social media not only allowing people to do dumb things but driving them to do them as well? With the main driver behind Instagram being to get likes, influence others and grow your network. The trend of “Doin it for the Gram” has seen a spate of idiotic post make their way onto instagram and other social media platforms. We can only imagine the posts making their way onto instagram the days and weeks following the release of lush’s new bath bomb emoji line. #Soreanditchyvagine not put these in your peach etc. There you go folks coined a new hashtag right here. If it’s not people shoving things into orifices they don’t belong, then it’s something else completely idiotic.

Scrolling through Reddit we came across a feed for something called the Tide Pod Challenge you’ll have to forgive us if this is old news but like the ice bucket challenge or the somebody Kardashian lip challenge we were and always will be late to the party. So this tide pod challenge what on earth could it be. Living close to the ocean our money was on something stupid involving the ocean and getting dunked. Lucky we didn’t have a bet down or that money would be going straight to the house. They say the house always wins, in this case it would have won without a challenge. The Tide Pod Challenge like the ice bucket challenge made its way onto social media when a teenager ate one of those prepackaged laundry pods that wash your clothes or dishes and dared his mate to take up the mantle of the challenge.

Again are people getting dumb? That shit can kill you! Depending on the ingredients you might be lucky to just get away with explosive diarrhea but more than likely if it doesn’t kill you it will give you caustic burns to your cheeks, esophagus and stomach. So while you’ve got explosive diarrhea there is a good chance you will also be bleeding from your bum, coughing up blood and not in a good way at all. Good one humanity we are really showing our finest selves on the internet these days. And we thought people experimenting with there sex toy like bath bombs was bad enough, nope some idiots on the internet had to go and one up them and eat washing powder. Seriously what is wrong with people these days? If anyone knows the answer we’d love to hear it. It’s bad enough we can’t seem to find a decent leader to look after our country and our closest ally is ruled by a freaking umpa lumpa who wants to build a wall and a space army.

It seems even the smart people are being struck by dumb although the more research we do here regarding Mr Musk the more we begin to question whether he actually does have any smarts or he’s just got some very smart people working for him who have some genius level ideas that once down on paper make him a fortune. Example in point is that he managed to sell 20,000 flamethrower guns to the public. Our American friends are already crazy enough without there own flamethrowing guns. Toted as the extreme BBQ lighter it wasn’t long before internet erupted with people doing stupid things with there newly named ‘not a flamethrower’ due to some law around calling it an actual flamethrower.

Wait, wait, wait you can’t call it a flamethrower but you can sell it to the public? The majority of who will no doubt do something completely idiotic with it? Who’s the silly person here Elon Musk for thinking this is a good idea? Or the authorities for allowing his drilling company BORING to sell the damn things to the public in the first place? Either way the man with the mouth that never seems to stop and who thinks he’s smarter than everyone in the world made $10 Million selling flamethrower guns and internet got a new bunch of idiots doing stupid things with guns that throw flames. High five said no one with half a brain anywhere!. We’d love to say all these incidents are isolated to the continental united states but unfortunately they aren’t. Australia is seeing its fair share of idiotic things as people are regularly warned and advised by professionals not to do things and yet we keep doing them.

Then there are the people who just don’t have brains, like the countless people who get into bar fights after getting so plastered they don’t remember what day of the week it is or how they got to the bar in the first place. They then end up with an injury that requires a couple of stitches or a bone being reset. Managing to get themselves into a cab, they show some signs of brain function. Right up until the point they dial 000 on there way to hospital and ask for an ambulance. Yeah you might be drunk but surely you are not that stupid, folks it’s time to wake up and stop taking the silly pills. We are top of the food chain for a reason, we have brains and imaginations on top of that we have opposable thumbs and are able to think for ourselves, fend for ourselves and most importantly be ourselves. Unless yourself is a complete moron, then be someone else please for the love of humanity.

So ladies and gentlemen, if something doesn’t look like it should be placed in one of your orifices don’t do it that includes bath bombs and pods. If you have the opportunity to buy a flamethrower just don’t. Unless you are planning on joining a militia, joining Trump’s spaceforce or like most people who bought one just don’t have a brain. One thing writing this post did, was teach us that despite all the warning labels, public announcements and common sense people are always going to do what they want and as they say rules are their to be broken right? Seems if it can hurt, is bad for you or can ultimately kill you someone, somewhere will do it and with social media these days, there is a good chance that someone is filming it for the world.

Until next week stay safe and heed the following public service announcement. Dumb people will continue to do dumb things over and over again continuing to get the same results. Smarter people will do it once or twice before realising that they are being dumb and Smart people just won’t do it at all. Don’t use your bath bombs as sex toys no matter how appealing it might be. Don’t eat your dishwasher tablets because curiosity got the better of you and last but not least leave flamethrowers to the military those guys are trained professionals. Be good to your folks and we’ll be seeing you next week for a brand new episode of A Mind of Its Own…

Everything Must Go…

The one thing traveling certainly creates is the opportunity to meet new and interesting people from all walks of life. People that you may not interact with on a daily basis. People who you normally wouldn’t consider your type of people. People who challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and try something a little different. The other thing travel does is create an opportunity to collect stories and ideas as you go. Everyone has a story to tell and if you give them enough time they will tell your their story/stories over a coffee or alcoholic beverage. Well at least that’s what the team tends to do when they begin tell stories of their endeavours to complete strangers in attempts to pass the time.

Having travelled a lot over the last couple of months, the team at A Mind of Its Own has had the opportunity to sit and listen to a lot people share their stories, experiences and knowledge. Whether it be in direct conversation or through the ancient are of active listening and people watching. Yes we know it is a little creepy but you should really try it some time. Sitting there, over hearing people talk in cafes, bars, restaurants or the airport lounge. Like we did you will hear thousands of stories that range from the believable to the downright insane but there is always someone there sharing with friends or family. By sharing our stories we ensure they are passed on from generation to generation or captured for time eternal when someone takes the time to write them down.

For centuries human beings have shared stories whether it by to pass on history or for entertainment purposes. Humans have always been fascinated and intrigued by the storyteller, from the days of cavemen sitting around a fire grunting their history to children to modern-day parents taking their children to the local library for storytime. Before books, magazines, movies and social media we told each other stories ranging on true to flights of fantasy. From the day we are born till they day we move on from this world we continue to listen to and tell stories whether it be by recounting a memory or moment in time or creating something fictional from the creative recesses of our minds.

Mystery, Horror, Science Fiction, Thrillers, Action and Adventure, Western, Romance and Drama are all categories born from the imaginative minds of storytellers, from everyday people who found an idea and expanded upon it creating and building each scene, each character in their mind like a picture while they recount their story to those who were willing to listen. Even as you recount a memory to family or friends you can’t help but see it moment by moment in your mind, clear as the day it actually happened. As technology advanced and humans developed we were able to take down accounts of those stories. Firstly on stone, then papyrus, finally paper and now digitally to forever live in the cloud (Some guys computer and server in India or the Philippines).

Your favourite writers, artists are great storytellers who have earned a living out of using their wonderful ability to charm and create a story in the minds of their readers, listeners, viewers or even on a blank canvas. Yes each painting, drawing, sketch, doodle tells a specific story in the mind of its creator, yet the person looking at it may see a completely different story in their head. It is their ability to draw in an audience that allows them to craft their art and become masters in their chosen field. Even the guy at your local bar, you know the one we are talking about. The one with his favourite stool that no one else sits in (Well no one who’s a regular anyway), no matter what day it is he’s there sipping on his mid strength sharing a yarn or two with anyone who is willing to listen.

By the time you’ve had your third beer you are enthralled by the man’s life and the things he has seen. The pictures floating through your mind are reminiscent of a motion picture, you give faces to the people, colour to the picture and create life all within the recesses of your own mind. Like a wizard casting a spell, the storyteller has you once again has you entranced and under his spell. Instead of worrying about the outside world for the first time in a long time you find yourself present in the moment. Sharing a drink, a laugh and a story with someone you might not necessarily take the time to stop and talk to on an ordinary day. But you’ve sat there enough and overheard enough of his stories that it’s piqued your interest.

Sitting around the office we began to banter around some of the more out their stories of people we had heard or had recounted to us over the past couple of weeks. There were stories of tragedy, stories of pain, stories of growth and great triumph, stories that made us laugh till a little bit of wee came out and then there were the stories that just had us scratching our heads and asking if that had really just happened. After bantering about the stories we began to storyboard them in what would later be known as the Travel Diary of Deviant Men and Women. We wondered if taking the names and places out could we share some of them with our faithful followers. After a quick google search around proprietary information and copyright laws it became quite clear that as long as we didn’t claim them as our own we were good to go and able to share them with you we just had to ensure that we included a disclaimer..

The following is a collection of storytellers we’ve gathered from around this beautiful country during our travels over the last couple of months. We have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from our memories of them, In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances we have changed the names of individuals and places. We may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residences. Google told us we should include a disclaimer so that no one sued our backsides. We are in love with Google here at A Mind of Its Own, it’s like an all-knowing prophet that provides us with much-needed free legal advice. Could google be the fabled Cyberdyne Systems of the Terminator franchise? Oh and that isn’t us saying if you have legal issues just google everything. If you are in trouble go and see someone who went to university studied law, passed the BAR or whatever we call it in Australia and is practicing law as a paid professional

Trying to choose our stories and their storytellers is like you trying to pick your favourite children, yes you all say you don’t have a favourite but deep down we all know you do!. We ummed and ahhed amongst the team as to who should be included and which stories. There was also the element of what was safe and what wasn’t safe for publication after all we are a family friendly blog who never posts anything that is Not Safe For Work (NSFW). At the end of the day it came down to the coin toss, stories and their tellers pitted against one another in the ultimate decision-making process. Heads versus tails, two on a Wednesday outside of the Anzac period is frowned upon but look we aren’t gambling with any money, just people’s ability to tell share their stories on our esteemed platform.

Some of the stories we’ve heard over the years have been better than others like the guy who’s sister arrested him for public urination off a bridge in the wee hours of the morning (pun intended). Or our first story-teller the ‘sausage king of Canberra’ as we came to calling him, had us in stitches with his self-proclaimed status of King, but his realm is not one that most people would want to rule over particularly in this day and age given the #metoo movement and push for greater equality and rights for women. Just all round treating woman better, well not just women, treating everyone in general better.

So SKOC for short is one gentleman that certainly had us somewhat baffled and enthralled at the same time by his stories. He works with some pretty high up and influential people in the country who would be pretty shocked to hear that his hobby and so-called Kingdom was collecting pornography. Not only did he collect it but then he also categorised it and saved it. The kid had over 3 terabytes of porn and growing, safe to say he was also a virgin who doesn’t have a girlfriend. But nevertheless he had us mesmerised by the stories he told, in such detail that we knew then they weren’t a lie. But to be safe we often fact checked his stories just to be on the safe side.

The second cab to pull away from the curb contains our next story and it’s teller. Riding in the backseat while pecking away at some document to ensure is employer doesn’t get screwed in some major deal. Joey, Joseph or the law as he is better known to his friends and family has become someone we trust, admire and perhaps even look up to a little. A self-proclaimed trendetarian he’s always working on some diet he’s read up on the internet and happy to share it with any and everyone including his wife and kids. Most of his stories though if he’s not recounting something legendary his kids have done come from time before all that.

A time when we was young and wild and free thanks Snoop you are still a great rapper even if you now have to collaborate to make a decent song. Back to the law, he’s a bit of a storyteller in general but once he’s had a couple of the finest low carb beers available there is no stopping. There are stories from his misspent childhood through to his university days and even some of the nights out we’ve had out with him over the last couple of years when things have become a little hazy. As some of his mates may remind him frequently when they get together and he gets on a low carb beer induced roll ‘we’ve heard this one before’.

Being a father it’s no wonder he’s a good storyteller and we can’t wait till the day he can sit back with his son’s or daughters, we can’t remember how many he has or what sex they are (Ok we know how many, their sex, ages and names, we are trying to protect his anonymity), and recount his youth with them over a nice cold tinnie or two, no doubt it will be low carb but we’ll never get him on full fat frothies. Regardless of his poor choice in beer we’ve had a good yarn or too and shared some stories with him over time and hope to share many, many more.

Our third and final storyteller is the greatest of them all, a man who had seen it all, done it all and was made out of solid stone. Tough as nails and yet compassionate and caring at the same time. He was a man that books should be written about, a man that in our eyes was a hero, a legend and an all round great man. Yes before we go on, we acknowledge that we have haven’t been very equal in our choosing of storytellers and for that we apologise. We have nothing against women or women who tell a good yarn, in this case they just lost out to luck. That simple toss of the coin excluded them from making the cut.

A husband, father, brother, grandfather and son, he was the best of men always there with an anecdotal reference, a story or to lend a hand. He was a many that told many a story both fact and fiction, from the times they’d finish work and ride their horses down to into, and yes you didn’t read that wrong, into the bar to the times he played football for Fitzroy. He would sit with you listen and then tell you a story that would put everything back into perspective.He was always ready with an example of the good old days, of a time simpler before technology began taking over our lives and the lives of those around us.

An accomplished horseman watching him work with stock whether it be sheep, cattle or other horses was reminiscent of watching the man from snowy river. He could hunt, fish and camp with little to no supplies. A true man of the land, a true cowboy a man with many tales to tell, a man who died with many of those stories still in him. Someone that the team here will always hold dear to them he was a true storyteller and someone who lived a long full life that allowed him to gather his own stories and those of others around him to pass on. An inspiration that helped start this blog he was always someone who told you to follow your dreams no matter how many times you stumble and fall. If you keep getting up you will eventually get what you want. They can take everything from you but they can never take the fight. Not a truer word could be said. Not a truer more genuine storyteller will ever be found.

So as we close our blog on the storytellers, on the men and women who have inspired, encouraged, educated and often distracted from the day-to-day worries of life we take our hats off to the Kings, Cusslers, Rowlings, Lees just to name a few and other storytellers of the world who have inspired us and future generations of storytellers, artists, poets and musicians to continue telling stories whether they be fact or fiction the power of a story is stronger than we realise. The power of a story can often be the thread holding society together, a dream a mere idea that can give power to bigger things. From that one little spark of an idea grows into something to be shared throughout time, from generation to generation.

So from the team here at A Mind of Its Own, if you find something that inspires you to create, to inspire, to share, to dream! Do it, if it makes you happy, if it makes you stop and think and want to inspire others then we encourage you to do whatever it is that makes you want to share your story and stories through your passion whether it be a hobby or your job. As we bid you another farewell until next week, stay safe and be good to your parents, they’ll share the most stories with you throughout your lives.

Reason Is Treason…

Well it’s all over red rover! We are back in the office googling funny pet videos pretending to work instead of being out on road driving past, cane fields, more cane fields, cows, more cows, oh look some sheep for something different! A beach, a lake or a river! The trip has come to an end which sitting in an office all day listening to people drone on about spreadsheets, finances, sales and other crap, that is offending our minds still set in holiday mode has made us want to crawl up under the desk and cry a little. It did make us wish that A Mind of Its Own was a travel blog… OK only for a split second we take on all the things other people want to avoid and travelling is certainly not one of them.

After last week’s piece on Outrage Porn and if you didn’t read it go back and read it before you start jumping up and down going what the fuck and being morally outraged that a decent publication like ours would even talk about porn. Like so many kids have said to their parents “It’s not what you think” so just read it before you make your mind up. Getting back on track after last week’s piece we’ve been worried as to what we’ll be able to come up with this week that will be so provocative that readers will want more and more. What topic can we absolutely kill in our quirky way that seems to work for us, what can we make the third post of the year all about? Who can we offend this week without trying, as we morally outrage people who just need to be outraged about something for their week to function normally.

Well we took one look at politics and the words, “not a chance”, reverberated around the room in a continuous echo. Between Trump back at his wall building best and our own politicians coming up with hairbrained ideas the world of politics is well a little like a circus you could say. Maybe politics isn’t such a bad topic to cover after all there is always something hilarious going on or someone coming up with a stupid idea on how we can run the country just that little bit better or build a wall, start an army for space or in our case eradicate a pest problem we’ve had for years through our work for the dole scheme. Thanks Pauline you are our favourite clueless, racist, Ranga!

As we walked past Parliament House, yes the team are once again in the Nation’s capital soaking in the sun and dry heat, on another work excursion which will no doubt have a travel disaster story somewhere along the way. It got us thinking about the big playhouse on the hill. Have you ever watched Question Time on ABC? Well if you haven’t we suggest you do, try turning the volume right down and do what we do. Make up the words for them, they only argue like school children anyway, speaking over the top of each other and yelling out abuse if they don’t agree with something or someone. It’s quite hilarious even with the volume on. In a sense it is literally like watching kids on the school ground argue about which spice girl is better or whether G.I Joes are better than transformers.

If it’s not Pauline telling us how to fix the Cane Toad problem like they are cans at a recycling centre it’s old mate Scott Morrison our current PM telling us what we supposedly want to hear after his holiday on NSW central coast. Apparently old ScoMo ran into some locals who told him exactly what all Australians wanted and needed for the country to run successfully. Our question was how many schooners of Tooheys New were consumed before he found his balls and asked the yokels. We certainly weren’t asked, were you? That’s the thing we’ve always found with politicians, they are all professional liars. They’ll tell you one thing to get your vote and then either forget about it or make up a lame excuse as to why it couldn’t be done. Parliament reminds us a lot of the school yard, it’s made up of jocks, nerds, bullies and geeks the only thing they all have in common is they want power and are happy to stampede over one another to get it.

As Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker “With great power, comes great responsibility” well unlike Spiderman our politicians are anything but responsible. We’ve got Neonazi members of parliament attending rallies and throwing down white supremacy salutes, we’ve got a former fish n chip shop owner who sold her shop to people of chinese descent after claiming that we are being overrun by the chinese and should be fortifying our position. You’ve got a former farmer / deputy prime minister who got his staffer pregnant, yeah the media cried scandal as soon as they heard that news. We’ve had more politicians resign due to their dual citizenship than we have cricketers who got off the mark against India in the recent test series.

Where can we really go from here? Surely we can’t find anything else that could upset the children in the big school yard on the hill? Ah we would all be oh so very, very wrong! There was bullying in the parties and even some sexual harassment from a female member which whilst might not be that shocking to hear but it’s usually our over privileged male politicians doing the inappropriate fondling at events. There are plenty of those stories and none of them unfounded, as the MeToo campaign continues to grow around the world more and more women are speaking out against sexual harassment, misconduct, assault and workplace bullying. Suggestions a plenty flood in as to what we could be doing better in Australian Politics.

One of the first things that comes to mind would be to keep a Prime Minister for their full term regardless of sex, gender (Apparently they are two seperate things these days, the non-binary thing still confuses the hell out of us) race, age and anything else that could be considered discriminatory but instead of doing that we have party back backstabbing like we are fighting over the popular boy, girl or non-binary at school. Which results in a change of Prime Minister every 6 months or so. It’s no wonder world leaders giggle at us, points at us and laughs at the commonwealth colony that can’t get their act together while the rest of the world continues to develop.

The state of Australia’s leadership on the world state is almost as laughable as Donald and his wall. We said almost the fact that he’s still banging on about building his wall and that it will lower crime rates has us rolling around the office in fits of laughter. Drug cartels already have a way around the existing walls along the US/Mexico border and like all immovable objects there are always ways around them. Has Trumpasaurus Rex been paying attention to the tunnels dug under the border at all? We think not, what’s to stop the cartels using other methods to move their merchandise? Narco submarines, airplanes, cars, human mules. Yeah nah your wall is going to make all the difference just like your taupe and oompa loompa tan Mr Trump.

Twenty Nineteen could see yet another change in leadership of this great island nation as we head into an election early in the year. Before too long your TV screens will be flooded with scare campaigns about what will happen if you elect the Liberals or Labour, National Party, Greens, One Racist Party, sorry we mean One Nation. Scandals a plenty will grace the front pages of newspapers and the country will go into shutdown while a caretaker government moves into office until the results of the class presidency are readout to the plebs whom they govern and make decisions for. We’ve hit google several times already this week to get its advice on who we should vote for. Like a magic eight ball it pretty much told us to try again later once they received some brown paper bags from one of the parties who’ll want to come back top of the search results list.

No conspiracy theories here right? Every government acts above board and is forthcoming with each and every decision they make right? History has a habit of repeating itself and judging by the amount of dodgy dealings that have gone on throughout the years around the world we doubt that the Australian government, both current, past and future have all kept their noses clean. We know backroom deals are a done thing in politics, business and even the dark recesses of the world where shady shit is the norm. So why would we feel that electing one shady official over another was going to lead to our government being open and honest with the people it serves? Yes it is a privilege to serve the people of a nation not a right but a lot of politicians can’t see past their own ego to realise that.

They say if you have a problem with something you can either do something about or you should be quiet. Well i think the last thing the Nation needs is A Mind of Its Own running off on tangents every time there was an important decision to be made. They want to open a detention centre in the visitors centre at Uluru? And A Mind of Its Own sure build another 4 new boats for the Navy or better yet let’s create another branch of the military for space!Why should Donald have all the fun. While we are on the topic can we build a wall between us and New Zealand? There are far too many Kiwis hitting our shores every year and not returning! The Gold Coast is full of them! Deport them all we say. See what we mean? The A Mind of Its Own team getting involved in politics is not a good idea! We’ll write about it, comment about it, bitch and moan about it but not get involved for the simple fact that like the blogs name the people that write it are just as random as the content often is.

For all our Australian readers, as you head to the polling booths on the 18th of May this year, please, pretty, pretty please do your homework on who you want to run this country at least for the six months after the election. Based on trends their own party will want them out within the year as they fight amongst themselves as to who should lead Australia on the world stage or who looks better in a pair of budgie smugglers on the north shores of Sydney. We just hope who it is starts to do things important for Australia to continue growing and developing as a nation. Invest in the things that actually matter. Education, Health and Australia’s declining sporting ability should all be top of mind come Federal Budget time on the hill.

So once again we’ve skirted the edges of a topic that could well and truly be controversial, we’ve ignored all the important things and focussed on the lack of ability to govern nations and take into account the things the public really require and we’ve focussed on all the things that the politicians are well known for. In the political world it’s all sex, drugs and rock n roll as we head into the election period. As Pauline once famously said ‘I don’t like it’ which gave the nation one of the best political parody songs of the last decade. But didn’t seen to do any damage to her political career as our bigoted country folk continue to vote for her and her racist ways. Is Pauline a secret Neonazi? Does she have history with the Aryan race? Heck we could write a bunch of conspiracy theories relating to the ranga from Queensland who built her political career covered in batter and chicken salt.

Closing another chapter on a discombobulated Mind of Its Own we look at a blog that makes little to no sense and attempt to summarise into something that resembles intelligence and English. The 18th of May 2019 make sure you vote and vote for someone your values align with and you want to represent you as a world leader. Oh and remember all those sneaky little backroom deals. Just watch those if you vote for an independant, they aren’t as independent as they make out and tend to align themselves with a major party. From the team here in the Nation’s Capital hangout in the gallery above parliament waiting for the kids to come in swinging with their verbal punches at one another we bid you farewell and good tidings until the next installment of Australia’s soon to be favourite blog.

Lazer Gun Show…

It started with a whisper and grew in size as it gained momentum like a train picking up speed along the tracks, clickety clack, clickety clack. An idea that would take the team on an adventure to parts and places they’ve never been before into the great unknown. Ok well maybe they won’t be going into the great unknown. Everywhere they’ll go will be populated so nothing is unknown at all, but it sounded good so bare with us as we hit you with this diatribe. For 10 days we are putting the team in a beat up Subaru Forester and hitting the wide open road. Starting in northern queensland (Townsville) we’ll drive all the way to Nowra, making plenty of stops along the way as we ponder life and all that surrounds us in this big brown land.

While a lot of people find traveling to be somewhat boring the team here at A Mind of Its Own are somewhat used to living an airport life, hoping on a bus or riding a train if they aren’t sitting in the driver’s seat of the company Prius feeling somewhat emasculated. There is nothing worse than sitting at the lights and performance car pulls up next to you, the throaty sound of the engine as it revs next to you. The engines power vibrating through the roads surface. Meanwhile you put you your foot to the floor and hear the whiz of the electric motor in your overpowered golf cart. Ah to be rich and or famous we could have a fleet of priuses to save the environment with despite the fact we have to mine rare earth minerals to make the batteries. No contradiction there at all folks, hybrid is the way of the future.

SO getting back on track, to start the journey the team decided to head back to where so many laughs and blogs were created throughout last year. Yes the journey is starting in the leafy gold coast suburb of varsity lakes. Namely the train station, fortunately there are no plastic fantastics or cashed up bogans about for the team to get distracted and write yet another blog around the latest plastic surgery or body enhancement craze. Oh in case you were wondering the latest craze is botox. For men and no not in the face or lips but right in the mummy, daddy button, yeah we live in a wonderfully fucked up world sometimes.

Varsity lakes train station, where we loaded up the teams supplies of bottled water, MRE’s and first aid equipment. Come on guys we are going north not to some unexplored area of the amazon. Finally we set out for Brisbane airports domestic terminal. The train ride is somewhat sobering after the blitzed feeling we are left with having just come from a team lunch down at Coolangatta surf club where one too many beers was consumed and a few jokes here and there were made about the impending travel. Nevertheless we made it to the train station and sat down for awhile twiddling our thumbs waiting for the latest version of the Bombardier train system to rock up.

Early as per usual the team waits around for hours in the Virgin lounge for their flight, is it the free beers or just being able to utilise the facilities? Good question but whatever it may be they are certainly making the most of it as they chill with plates of food and free drinks being downed like a bunch of bin chickens around the kfc dumpster after closing time. The old man is once again grumbling about his flight being delayed continuing his run of luck with flights into the New Year. The team are keeping their distance as the vein in his neck starts to bulge and his cheeks flush red with anger. Red Hulk could be making an appearance in the Virgin Lounge if he’s not doused in beer soon.

Having calmed the boss down with more beer and the odd whiskey we’ve been given the task of getting notes down for the trip and working out who’s doing what blog over the 11 days. So that being said we looked at stops planned along the way and groaned when we noticed that Kingscliff/Terranora had been included on the list. From Airlie Beach to Yeppoon to Kingscliff well now that’s a drive but there are places in between that we could stop at and check out if the boss wasn’t being so tight with the petty cash. Once we’ve hit Kingy it’s on to the new Sydney for a quick catch up with the Hemsworth’s and every other Australian Hollywood A lister who now calls Byron Bay home.

Once Byron has been tamed we’ll move on to the home of the Honey Badger and hopefully avoid the Bachelor fan girls lurking along the beaches of Port Macquarie in the hope of seeing him in his natural environment. It’s a hop, skip and a jump to the next destination on the road trip as we throw caution to the wind and visit the set of Mad Max. The stunning sand dunes of Stockton Beach which we will be calling home for a few days as we fall down, slide down, slip down and run down the dunes. Heck depending on the weather we may even throw a line in off the beach and see what we can catch. Who knows, we might land a tuna or two, chances are more likely that we will land a shark and have to cut the line but you never know until you try.

The next destination has yet to be decided but there may be a stop in Sydney and if not it’ll be a nice old drive straight on through to Nowra where we’ll spend a few days exploring the shoal harbour region and south coast before dragging the team back to work and making them earn a living which they will all hate. There are plenty of things to see and do and hey you can actually swim in the ocean down there. They still have sharks but other than that you are good to go. As our names are called over the lounge PA system, our flight has finally landed is available to board. Naps seem to be the entertainment of choice as most of the team can be heard snoring their little heads off in the rows to the left and in front. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Landing in Townsville the first thoughts are it’s a massive city, turns out that everything you need to see is within a couple of kilometre radius along the waterfront. But swimming is a no, no! If the crocodiles don’t get you, the box jellyfish, sharks or stingrays will. What a great place to live by the water that you can’t really swim in! Northern Queensland is more deadly than a redback on the dunny seat. We’ve only been in the airport for 5 minutes and we’ve seen more cowboys jerseys than home match and 1300 Smile stadium could fit. The hit of musty hot, humid death hits you as you leave the frigid comfort of the airport to what is one of the worst designed airport pickups you will ever see. It’s like a formula one race course.

Piling into the 2004 Subaru Forester that will carry us the some 2000 plus kilometers on our journey we notice two immediate things. One Townsville has more RBTs setup on a Friday night than they have police and two the airport is somewhat in the middle of nowhere compared to where the main part of town is, it takes a good twenty plus minutes to make our way to our accommodation for the night. The building looks quite recent, well compared to most of the apartment blocks we’ve seen on the drive in that look like they were built when Captain Cook landed on our our shores and claimed Australia in the name of the British empire.

What looked nice on the outside turned out to be a mattress on the floor and the world’s dirtiest bathroom. The tub was so dirty even the mould was growing mould and the team decided they’d rather hold it all in than risk using the toilet for fear something might crawl up from the sewers and make its way into their nether regions only to grow and reproduce like t something from a Science fiction movie or horror film. In what turned out to be restless sleep where we were all woken rather early by a little old lady making tea and flicking the light switches on and off like it was a laser gun show out at the army barracks. Safe to say there were a few tired heads the next morning.

As we sign off on another blog, we will keep all our faithful followers updated on the adventure via a weekly blog and if you can’t wait that long head on over to our instagram or Facebook page which will be updated regularly with photos and location updates. Once again we bid you farewell for another week and the first blog of the new year! We’re starting it off with a bang and hitting you up with a travel diary of sorts to keep you on the hook well in to the year and hoping you’ll want more and more as we tackle the best topics for 2019 and beyond. As always if you have any suggestions, comments or questions please hit us up, we are happy to take requests and tackle any topic, big or small there is nothing that can’t be given a mind of its own. So Asta man yana amigos!

Smells Like Teen Spirit…

As the jolly fat man squeezes his way down your chimney, drinks the VB you kindly left him and smashes the plate of cookies like he’s high as a kite on some of Nimbin’s finest green. It starts to get you thinking. If Santa got pulled over, breathalysed and drug tested, christmas would be ruined. No matter how magical the man might be, there is how many people in the world these days expecting his fat arse to climb down their chimney in his Coca Cola sponsored red suit? Even if a quarter of those people left him out a beer he’d still blow well and truly over. Being forced to ask Dasher or Dancer to take the reins while he slept it off in the back. I know, I know you are all going why not Rudolph? Think about it! If Rudolph drives the sleigh how in the heck will they see what’s in front of them? The poor bastard is stuck lighting the way like a flying lighthouse.

So with Christmas done and New Years approaching this time of year is always confusing as most people have no idea what day it is or date and some even confused as to the time due to lack of sleep and changed sleeping patterns. All they know is there is still plenty of beer in the fridge, the cricket is on and mum’s salads are still in the fridge and if we are lucky enough, there is still some prawns for us to make a sanga. Across this wide brown land there is a haze hanging over towns and cities with people waking up hungover as all hell wishing they hadn’t got stuck into nan’s west coast coolers that she’s kept in the fridge for the past 3 years or dads bottle of port he got when he retired (the first time, not the last, by then they just waved him off and said see you in 6 months you crazy old coot).

It’s a new week and you know what that means! A new Mind of Its Own and another topic getting the royal treatment from the team. So this week yes we are still drunk and still full of christmas ham that will continue to be served for breakfast, lunch and dinner until the last little bit of it is gone. No part of the ham will be wasted apparently as the bone is thrown into a pot to make ham and pea soup or some kind of bone broth (It’s what happens when you live with new age hippies). With another 10kgs under our belts most of it beer and ham we thought it was about time we graced your screens once again and gave you all a little pre New Years dose of A Mind of its own as we head into what is another period of non-stop drinking and eating and talking crap to anyone who will listen around the BBQ.

This week we are taking a look at what’s happening around the grounds given most of you haven’t moved further than the several meters of all rooms in your house since knocking off work on christmas eve. You’ve no doubt starred in the mirror a few times and promised yourself to cut back on the drinking and actually do some exercise in the new year but until them it’ll be like the time at A Mind of Its Own who have all vowed to eat and drink as much as they can before having to go back to the real world in a few days time, which lets be honest no one is looking forward anywhere around Australia but as always those bills aren’t going to pay themselves and someone has to do it unfortunately.

We’ll start in our favourite city the home of the cashed up bogan, where you can see just about anything and not think it is strange well at least if you live there or frequent it often enough. The home of the plastic fantastics, the mandatory airbags, the duck lip delights and the full sleeve tattoo. Yes we are once again in the Gold Coast where the local council has made a massive cock-up over some scooters. Someone at council has got their knickers in a knot as Lime scooters move in to dominate the electric scooter market and not ask the council permission for something that is legal in Queensland anyways. Do we think someone is a little peeved that didn’t get a brown bag under a desk somewhere to smooth it over? Yeah probably or they are unhappy that it could mean fewer cars on the road? Who knows but not something that should have been on the front page of the Gold Coast Bulletin.

Continuing north we hit Brisvegas and what a city, the sweeping river and high rises adding to the panoramic views with the story bridge in the background and we’ve not only got more urine than usual in the man-made beach at Southbank but we’ve got a baby formula crisis with several Woolworth’s stores reporting that customers have finally worked out a way to rort the two tin limit by run paying running out of the store and coming back in to buy to more and rinse and repeat for several occasions. Whether or not they are then selling it on the black market to china, India or another country where access to decent baby formula is all but non-existent we’re starting to wonder why we didn’t think of this. A Mind of Its Own could have gone into the exporting business and made a motza on baby formula!!!

Heading across to Darwin the top of the news ladder there is yet another potential cyclone building north of the gulf of Carpentaria closely followed by twenty stories of croc attacks and fisherman having their catches stolen. Oh and a warning that police will be out in force this new years eve so those planning to visit Darwin’s only irish pub should behalf themselves or they could wind up on an episode of Territory Cops in 2019. Clearly there is not a lot happening in the top end. Their tourism marketing campaign has clearly upset the sensibilities of way too many people. What’s wrong with CUin the NT?

Following the coast we make our way to Australia’s most western city where the major news bulletins are all talking about old mate Bob Hawke’s poor health. We’ll he is getting on so it’s not a surprise but we do feel for you Bobby and are sending you our best wishes! Surprisingly it’s not a crocodile closing down the beaches of but yet another shark sighting at the iconic Scarborough beach closing all the beach along that stretch of coast. And in some news that we can all be proud of and finally take some interest in a twenty something Perthian discusses how having a craft beer overseas helped him make a career out of brewing beer.

Leaving the sunny scenes of Perth behind we hop on over to Adelaide, who are somewhat stuck in 1955 and it wouldn’t surprise anyone if the front page of the local paper was discussing how they’ve just got radio or CD’s or even better dial-up internet! Sadly as stuck in time as the city may seem top of their news announcements was the sad death of a Nepalese carer who was found by water police ending a 17 hour search for the man. We feel for the man’s family and pass on our deepest condolences. Leaving Adelaide on a more sombre note the barossa valley is primed for a spike in wine sales over the coming days as holiday makers stock up for new years.

Over to what some people will call the cultural hub of Australia the once touted site of what was to be Australia’s capital city losing out to the leafy suburbs of Canberra we are in Melbourne where Australia are once again putting on a poor display in the cricket, the crowd are stocking up on sandpaper at the local bunnings in the hopes that some tampering might improve performances out in the middle of the MCG. New Years seems to be a hot ticket in the press with Melbourne’s fireworks event said to be a world’s first as they spread out the launching barges in the Yarra over 7.5 Kilometres.

Crossing over the Bass Straight to the only state where your new-born child doesn’t have to identify with a sex. We’ve reach Tasmania our third last stop around the country to bring you the news headlines. With the thrill of the Sydney to Hobart now over, the only other thing Tasmania’s really have to talk about is their production of fine foods and craft spirits, which seems to be the top headlines over on the Hobart Mercury website and it would seem the Sydney to Hobart is not over with some pompous rich guy lodging a complaint over something because he didn’t win… Clearly not a lot happening down south unless you are into yachting and fine foods.

Into the nation’s capital we go where we are for once not looking for multi-million dollar statues shaped like penis’s of steel girders stuck in the ground to represent grass. In what is shaping up to be one of the bigger news stories to watch over the coming months it seems that our nation’s capitals residence more commonly referred to as Canberrans are divided. We’d like to say for the first time but when you live in a city run by government and frequented by politicians as they head up to the hill for another session of parliament it’s no surprise that Canberrans can’t decide whether they are for the use of personal drones or against them over the skies of Canberra. Clearly a slow news week in Canberra without the politicians making an arse of themselves.

We’ve reached the last stop on our good news tour of the country. We’ve sailed in through the heads to botany bay and have pulled up to circular quay in order to find out what’s happening in the city of Sydney. It’s all about the roads, they are melting and sweltering in Sydney heatwave with no end in sight past new years eve. The beaches are full to the brim as people from the western suburbs make their way to the coast for some much-needed cooling off and air conditioners are pumping away in the homes of those that can’t be bothered. A weather warning has gone out to the sick and elderly to ensure they find some cool shelter and kids shouldn’t be on the melting tar at any point in time without shoes. It’s put a stop to a lot of local street cricket matches as pimply little Kyle from next door complains of ball tampering as the Slazenger picks up tar and rock on it’s way down the pitch.

With another one down before the new year we hope you’ve all caught up on the important news from around the country and more importantly your city. We wish you all a safe and very happy new years and as always eat, drink and be merry and if you don’t want to be merry just be yourself. Sadly this will be our last post this year as we are taking a few days out to ourselves, which are much need! That said enough for the year and see you in 2019 were we’ll come back bigger and badder than ever. Ok Peace out!

With Friends like you, Who needs Friends…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, there’s toys in every store if you head to the toy section all year round not just at christmas and if we go to the butcher we can guaranteed unless you are going to play with your Christmas Ham they aren’t going to have toys so the song is doing a little false advertising but that’s ok. Like Easter though as soon as one major event is over it’s time to roll out the next. In this case most shopping centres have been rolling out their christmas decorations since October. Christmas tunes are blasting our years as of November and come the start of December there is no escaping the fact that Christmas is well and truly upon us, followed very closely by new years and then before you know it Australia (Invasion) Day. After Australia/invasion Day you can finally relax and enjoy some down time until easter but you will start to see easter eggs as of the 27th of January.

We’ve lit the candles on another cake and started the macarena in order to celebrate in style. The padlock has come off the drinks fridge and someone has said it’s time to party like it’s nineteen ninety nine. Does that mean we should all hide and worry about the Y2K bug or channel our inner Prince throw on our best purple velvet suit and rock out? Who knows but for the team here it’s GO time and time to celebrate all the good things that came with the year. Time to let the hair down and time to throw the rule book out the window along with all our cares in the world. So tip your head back, throw back a drink or two and settle in with us to celebrate. By the way the title has nothing to do with the Blog as per usual and we are still waiting for someone to tell us what they all have in common…

So with the year creeping rapidly towards a close and A Mind of Its Own reaching yet another major milestone with this post. We thought why not look back on the best of the blog through 2018. With the half century now posted on the scoreboard we are waving our bat and saluting the crowd unlike the Australian cricket team who are still suffering from the ball tampering incident earlier in the year and are coping it from the Indian’s currently tourning. As we salute the stadium and our fans (that’s you guys) from being such good sports and being so patient with us throughout the year. We thank you for providing us with some great feedback, your continued support and your viewership on a weekly basis. Without you guys this blog wouldn’t work and we certainly wouldn’t have managed to write about some of the more stranger topics that we have covered over the year like Trump’s Space Force which we are still super excited about if it ever grows legs. It’ll be the best thing he’s done since the apprentice.

We also wouldn’t have entered contests like shit blog weekly and dunny readers anonymous or the Australian Blog awards. Saving that last one for our 2019 debut into the blogosphere. Truth be told we’ve loved every minute and every edition on of A Mind of Its Own in 2019. We’ve grown the family and added two office dogs who do very little to contribute other than tearing up the cease and desist letters we fail to receive on a weekly basis as our mail clerks seem to spend more time chewing them, than reading them. In some ways we are lucky that we are a totally digital platform otherwise I can guarantee a lot of these blogs wouldn’t have made it to print with those to furballs.

In what was a big year we managed to make a mockery of the Commonwealth Games, attack the plastic fantastics on the Gold Coast on more than one occasion, Harass Trump on several occasions, find the infamous owl statue in Canberra that looks more like a penis, no we are not joking about that just google owl+penis statue+Canberra and laugh continually at the bosses run of misfortune when it came to travelling for the job that keeps the doors open to this fine establishment. The writing was superfluous, we handed over the reigns on more than one occasion and even let the office pooches have there say or two. We put ourselves at the edge of our comfort zones and pushed our bodies to the limit to give you what we call life in a nutshell. There were diets and fads, gym sessions and drinking, fashion and travel. There wasn’t a topic too big or too small that couldn’t take on A Mind of Its Own…

From bumper stickers to ball tampering we covered it all and gave it that special twist that you’ve come to love and respect from the team. There have been heartfelt moments, tears, more than a few tantrums and on the odd occasion a little blood in our endeavour to bring a voice to the topics our fans want covered. A lot pain goes into finding things that people don’t want to talk about. We are raw, open and honest with our thoughts, feelings and often criticism as we poke fun and holes in things throughout each blog. Inspiration has been found through various different mediums whether it be an event, a situation or a person, something has inspired us to write the 49 blogs that have come before this one and the however many that will certainly follow. The team are not done yet unravelling the mysteries of the world around us. With a new year there will certainly be a whole heap of new topics coping our no holds bar approach.

So what did we cover over the year? We started out with Music and discussing everyone’s theme songs before moving onto Arsegate The Commonwealth Games greatest shame, the bunnings sandpaper bonanza, a look at Australia’s most favourite and endeared bird that should replace the emu on the coat of arms. We touched on questionable tattoos, athletes decisions, man’s need to fuck things up. There wasn’t a topic that didn’t make it to the drawing board in the office before some bright spark in legal told us it was a big no, no to write about that or unethical, in fact the works politically correct were used on more than one occasion forcing us to stop, look and listen like we were crossing a mental road. We continue to advocate that it is ok to talk about mental health issues particularly if you are a man and we even reviewed a video game or two.

We’ve renewed our free subscription to Google in order to search for any information we don’t have on hardfile or can’t get off the streets or our trusty informants who continually drop knowledge bombs like red spots specials at your local supermarket. We are also entering into the PodCast arena with a sweet little doozy that will be called ‘Blankety, Blank, Blank powered by A Mind of Its Own’ Your favourite blog gets a real voice unfortunately both James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman were way too expensive and also unavailable so you’ll be stuck with the not so dulcet tones of the boss as he nasals his way through a different topic each week with hopefully some special guests and hosts otherwise it may not be a long living podcast that you will all grow tired of fairly quickly.

From year to year we’ve set goals, this year was all about discovering our style and setting up a fan base. In the new year we’ll set some big goals and like Buddy Franklin wheel around to our left and let fly from fifty through the middle. Why will we achieve our goals? That’s simple because of the people that read this blog week in week out. It’s you guys that make this blog, it’s you guys that we’ll continue to write for and continue to work hard at bringing you the topics that really matter both home and abroad. So with our 50th blog we thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to read our weekly post. Our fans are our biggest source of inspiration.

Without further adieu happy 50th blog post to us, at the beginning of the year had someone asked us if we’d write almost a post a week we probably would have said NO, but it’s become a religious thing for us by which we feel extremely bad if we haven’t posted for the week. We have some amazing fans who continually leave us comments on the website or for those that know the writers and personally comment to them about one of the posts or a specific line. Again we thank all of the fans from the casual readers to the die hard never miss a post fans.

To the next milestone we are thinking we’ll do it in quarters but who knows we might just let you all know once we’ve cracked the ton and can wave the bat around for the second time proudly knowing we’ve achieved another major milestone. But like they say you have to celebrate the wins no matter how big so we’ll celebrate when we can. In the office we’ve cracked open a nice bottle of scotch shared a dram or two and stumbled out to celebrate with friends and family. Or in some cases on our own or with the office hounds.

Until next week and another new post we bid you farewell and hope you’ve cracked a can or two in our honor. If you don’t read next week blogs we wish you a Merry Christmas or whatever you celebrate or don’t celebrate this time of year. It’s a time for family and friends. And as a side note we don’t condone drinking, we do condone celebrating, enjoying yourselves, having fun and by all means being safe! As long as it’s in moderation! Adios Amigos!

When the Night Falls Quiet…

With the Christmas season in full swing we decided to head out to the coal mine and dig up some presents for all you naughty boys and girls! Welcome to the silly season! The time of the year where you let your hair down, enjoy a drink or two and from time to time make an absolute arse of yourself at the company Christmas party only to regret your actions the next day as your hangover kicks in, your re-flux system goes into overdrive and you start your full day of hugging the porcelain throne feeling sorry for yourself as you rid yourself of the previous evenings poison.

The seasoned veterans here at A Mind of Its Own have taken it upon themselves to put together a public service announcement outlining what not to do over the silly season no matter how good an idea it seems at the time. Call it our civic duty to our adoring fans or call it a much-needed look at the realities of christmas parties around the world. Whatever you do this silly season follow this advice and do not do what the clowns in these examples have previously done. It did not end well for any of the sampling of people we have used as examples.

Office Christmas parties, a time of year where you can celebrate and blow off some much-needed steam with your colleagues after what is often a hectic run up to the Christmas period. That does not excuse any of the following behaviour and nine times out of ten will land you in hot water with human resources or worse case in front of the boss receiving your marching orders effective immediately without that much need reference and let’s be honest christmas and the new year is not the time you want to be looking for a new job. Last thing you want to be doing is explaining to your wife, partner, housemates and or parents how and why you got fired. Merry Christmas to you here’s a Centrelink form happy dole bludging.

First things first, there is acceptable behavior, questionable behaviour and then there is the just don’t do at Christmas Parties. Whether the party be for your work or with family or friends. If you have to ask yourself if its ok then like the Christians ask themselves ‘What would Jesus Do?(WWJD)’ ask yourself ‘What would sober me do? (WWSMD)’. We’ve all seen the effect Alcohol can have on people. When we finally get to see some of our colleagues on the sauce whilst it might be absolutely hilarious at the time watching them make a fool of themselves just remember that could be you or once upon a time was you till you wised up and worked out work not to shit where you eat.

So this festive season take our advice and the advice of those that have gone before us. Please don’t do any of the following no matter how good it seems at the time! Remember WWSMD!

1.Drunkzilla…FREE Drinks! You beauty! Now before you go off blazing into the sun and making sure you get your fill of freebies remember to pace yourself. Generally the Christmas party goes for a couple of hours and then if you are cool enough you head out to a nightspot with those still up for a party. With a long night ahead it is important to ensure you are there at the end of it with your mates. Don’t be the bar fly that downs drink after drink in an effort to recoup all those hours of overtime you never got paid for or the salary increase you are well and truly overdue. Only to be stumbling into a taxi two hours after the party began. Enter Dave, Dave is a hard-working enthusiastic guy who does a lot of things for people around the office whether he has time or not without pushing back. When he can Dave likes to let his hair down and throw back a schooner or two with his colleagues. Come Christmas time Dave is often feeling a little unappreciated and disgruntled. Reluctantly he attends the Christmas party lured by the free beer on offer. Within the first hour Dave has had downed six beers and is well on his way to drunk-town population Dave. By the end of the Christmas party Dave has no idea who he is, where he is or what he is doing, his legs don’t work and drinks keep finding the floor… Don’t be a Dave!

2. The Hula Hypothesis… So some genius in marketing or HR decides you should have a themed Christmas party, because nothing says merry Christmas like watching your colleagues get dressed up in some theme that makes them feel good for a day. You’re thinking to yourself great a Christmas party with people I barely tolerate in some god awful theme! Can I just poke myself in the eyes now? Some of the classic themes are the ugly sweater as long as it doesn’t have reindeer mating its appropriate, Mexican as long as you don’t go full Mexican it’s appropriate, Australian and the often popular Hawaiian theme. Ladies and Gentleman when we say be theme appropriate ask yourself if your outfit is something you really want you colleagues to remember you in for years to come and would you wear it if you weren’t at work?. Enter Trent.. Trent is well-respected around the office but is known for having an opinion, voicing said opinion and pushing the boundaries where and when he can. Trent’s company like many others decided to have a Hawaiian themed Christmas party. Trent being Trent decided that if the women could get away with Grass skirts, leggings, boob toobs/crop tops and coconut bras then Trent could get away with a grass skirt and a G-String. Ok it’s sticking with the theme, points there for Trent, however, while Trent thinks he has a good body and in the eyes of some people he might. The issue here is that Trent was not really wearing any clothes and it wasn’t appropriate for the office christmas party. There were a few complaints to HR… Don’t be a Trent!

3. Bruce Banner and Gamma Rays… It is a well known fact that alcohol which is a drug by the way people, lowers a person’s inhibitions. Often we will see a side of someone we’ve never seen before. Once they’ve had a couple of the amber ales or brown burners. As a depressant it can make people a little more sensitive than usual and in some cases that sensitivity can lead to the Hulk making an appearance where he does not belong. No one likes an Angry drunk. Hulk or She Hulk drunk should stay at home or around friends who know how to handle him or her. Whatever you do stay away from the Rum! Nothing good ever came from it unless you were conceived after a big night on the Rumbos down the local tavern, but you might want to tell your folks they are being a little too open with you if you know that. Enter Bruce… Bruce is usually the happy-go-lucky guy around the office. After a few drinks though Bruce can become quite sensitive and take things to heart, he’s also not a fan of condescending people around the office who think they are better than everyone. At the Christmas party Bruce didn’t take to kindly to the way the CTO was speaking to him and those around him. Within seconds Bruce transformed into the Hulk and rather than using his fists to rearrange the CTO’s face Bruce threw water in his face which caused the CTO to fire up and almost lead to a fight. Bruce is now banned from attending the Christmas party this year. Don’t be a Bruce…

3. The Closet Creep… We’ve all seen it when we’ve been out at a pub or club, there is always that one sleazy predator that’s sniffing around the ladies looking seedy as all hell. When that guy comes to the christmas party however and starts hitting on Marcia from Accounting who’s just gone through a divorce or Sarah from Marketing who’s had a recent string of bad luck with the men. That’s when he should be asking WWSMD? Enter Matt from IT, normally a shy, introverted character who barely says boo to anyone in the office except for “Have you check to see if it’s plugged in and turn it on and off, Did that work?”. Midway through the first of many lip looseners Matt spots Wendy from the corner of his eye. He’s had his eye on Wendy for some time now but hasn’t had the guts to ask her out on a date. Always the nice guy, Matt would normally just say hello and scurry off back to his desk before she could get out a response. But not tonight! With some Dutch courage now coursing through his veins, he’s feeling invincible and like he can talk to anyone. He’s come out of his Shy closet and morphed into that touchy feely creeper that women look at shake their heads in disgust. After Wendy rebukes his advances he moves on to Claudette in Sales and so on the circle goes until Matt gets too drunk to stay out and is put in a cab and sent home. Come Monday morning he’s in HRs office feeling more than a little ashamed and looking down the barrel of the Sexual Harassment policy for inappropriately touching someones bum. Don’t be a Matt…

4. Opinionation Station…While you might have been waiting all year to get a chance to talk to the CEO, the christmas party is not the place to discuss those little tidbits with the head of the company no matter how many drinks they’ve had and how much courage you have to finally voice your opinion. Enter Sarah… Sarah is an up and comer with the company, she’s a head down, bum up make it happen kind of girl, her boss loves her and she inline for a promotion. She’s found the champagne and as the bubbles go to her head she spies the CEO milling with the rest of the executive leadership team. I a wolf separating a week calf from the herd she’s sliced her way in between all the bigwigs. Normally not one to voice her opinion unless it’s behind closed doors with trusted colleagues Sarah has decided now is her time to speak. Launching into a diatribe about her vision for where the company should be going and urging the CEO to grow a pair and take a risk every now and then. Rather than worrying about his own bonus as he does every year. People try to pull her away but she is not done yet spewing the truth from her mouth like diarrhea. Everything that anyone has wasn’t to say to the CEO has found a voice. Literally every bad thing someone has said is voiced in the form of Sarah, she’s tanking her career in what she feels is only benefiting her advancement. She’s talking to the head honcho and telling them what they need to hear. No Sarah the reason things are said behind closed doors are because the CEO doesn’t want to hear them and if they do the person voicing them tends not to be around for long after doing so. Don’t be a Sarah…

The team had literally a handful if not more examples of that person not to be at your Christmas party this year! After much deliberation and chuckling around what should and shouldn’t go in this weeks post we chose the above five examples of people who not to be this year. What we can say is have fun but as always ask yourself WWSMD in this situation. If sober you is just as much of pest as drunk you than as the saying goes… You do, you! Just remember when the night falls quiet there is going to be a lot of noise the next day around your behaviour. Keeping in mind, with every action there is a reaction. From the team at A Mind of Its Own, have fun and most of all be safe this silly season. Always have a plan B or designated driver. Until next time keep it real…