Rrrrrr, ruooof, woof! Ah crap that’s right you clowns that are supposedly intelligent don’t speak dog. Like the title of this week’s blog, it’s my day so listen up human overlords! Welcome to another week of A Mind of its Own, I’ll be your host for this journey into, well into me! You may call me socks like the two humans i live with or you can call me Boy like every other human with a male dog does. My time around the team so far has been great although the boss is of the opinion that I’ll go and get his slippers and fetch him a beer at some point in time. Fat chance of that, skinny bastard wouldn’t get of his arse and fetch me a treat if I barked at him.
As the newest addition to the team here at A Mind of Its Own, the boss thought it only fitting that i introduce myself and tell you all a little about me for future reference. It was part of my employment contract I get one blog and mention from time to time. They also needed someone to spell check and ensure the boss is using correct grammar throughout his work. I mean seriously if I can do it and English is my second language that clown should be able to.
Where to start, Let’s see… I am or was I should say an orphan, I don’t know who my folks were, all I know is that I am part border collie part something else. Some would call me a mongrel but they’d want to be careful with what they say. I am at that age where I might just wee on you or start chewing at your ankles if I don’t like you. I’m black and white in colour with massive paws. You know what they say about big paws right?
So I came into this world around 12 weeks ago and it already confuses the hell out of me. Like the fact that one of your human years is 15 of mine. I mean what the hell I’ll be a teenager in 8 months time. That doesn’t give me a lot of opportunity to pretend I don’t know what’s going on and wreak some havoc around the house. I was adopted by a couple of humans who live on the coast, they seem quite adamant that I will enjoy the ocean! If it gets me out of having a bath I’m all for the salty swims and chasing seagulls up and down the sand.
There also seems to be a lot more rules for me than there are for the humans. I don’t mind it, but I do find it a little hypocritical that I can’t lick my patch where my balls used to be yet my boss and the human I live with can scratch there’s whenever they like. There’s also the dinner table rule despite my numerous attempts to join the humans for dinner they are adamant that I eat out of a bowl on the floor. I don’t think they understand just how intelligent I am. I mean I speak 2 languages and they struggle to speak one properly with there shortening or words and abbreviations. Just lazy if you ask this pooch.
I can hear the humans in the next room discussing ‘Conehead’ that’s me for the week I’ve just had some surgery and feeling a little out of sorts. I plan on napping, eating and doing little else this week. I may watch a little Doctor Phil, that guy seems to be able to sort out everyone’s problems. Whatever happened to Jerry Springer? The guy in the white coat stuck a bucket on my head so I can’t lick myself but what the hell, it doesn’t really stop me, I just can’t lick my bits. I think the boss has a different idea of what I will be doing this week, looks like I’ll be getting used to rides in what they call a car. Lazy humans, can’t walk anywhere, they have to go in this steel beast to conserve their legs.
The folks I live with are pretty good, I’ve seen worse living conditions in CIA black sites despite the fact they make me sleep in the laundry. They’ve given me a bed and blanket, Lots of toys to play with. I get fed twice a day and they take me out of my cell once a night to ensure I don’t spray the walls and mark my territory. Do they think I enjoy shitting myself like a newborn or geriatric? I do not so my toilet breaks are quite welcome and they don’t seem to mind that I roll around on the grass a little before heading back to my cell for the night. They have however fitted me out with a collar instead of an orange jumpsuit like the humans in prison wear. I must say it’s much more flattering but then they attach a lead to it and parade me around like I’m part of Australia’s next top model.
The lady of the house is great she just wants to cuddle me all the time, which I don’t mind but she talks to me like I’m a baby which I am finding infuriating but I just look at her and smile. To which she squeezes me tighter and I roll over for a belly rub. Ah it’s like milking a cow with these humans. Yeah I use my cuteness to my advantage like a woman does her good looks to manipulate a situation wouldn’t everyone if they could. Most dogs can, except those little pugs, I don’t mean to speak ill of my fellow canine but really when your face looks like a screwed up butt hole you’ve got issues. There must be a lot of humans that like butt holes though as they seem to popular with the youth of today.
The man of the house, for the time being till I get a little bigger, thinks he’s hilarious, he’s already trying to rock the dad body without kids and has a plethora of dad jokes ready to go at the drop of a hat. Some of them are ok but most are cringe worthy and will be wasted on his little humans when they come along. He’s a bit of a geek but alright plays some game that involves my two favourite things to chase stick and ball so I’ll no doubt be digging my teeth into both of these at some point in the future.
All in all my time so far both as part of the team at A Mind of Its Own and living with my new family has been pretty good. They treat me well and I take advantage of the fact I am cute whenever I can to get what I want. I’m settling in well to my new surroundings and I don’t think I’ll need to complain to the U.N about my treatment, it terms of jails it’s quite humane. They don’t torture me and they give me 2 square meals a day. I get plenty of exercise and whilst I don’t have any balls if I had a purse I’d have my new owners in there. I’ve got him by the short and curly’s, he will literally do anything I want with one look. If he won;’t crumble it’s only a matter of time before the house of cards that is the lady of the house gives in and once again I’m top dog getting what I want.
Life is pretty easy when you are me! I make a few mistakes here and there but other that I tend to just sleep, eat, wee and poo a lot. If i am not doing that I’m chasing ankles and ensuring the humans are on their toes, literally… I’ve tried to trip the boss a few times to see if he’s paying attention. If he won’t pay attention to his poor spelling and grammar he can bloody well pay attention to his surroundings.
So that’s me Sock’s part Human, part dog but mostly happy to be part of a cool family, ah I hope they don’t read this they’ll get big heads again! So until next time the boss turns over the lead to me for another expose into the life of a dog, thanks for listening and remember, your four-legged friends also have A Mind of their Own… Now time to go and bark at some birds while I wait for my dinner to be served. I wonder what it’ll be tonight? Mince with veggies or mince with veggies. I see what she cooks him and get a little jealous his food looks amazing compared to the same thing I’m fed every night.