Month: December 2019

Four Feet in the Forest…

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the office not a creature was stirring, not even old Al, The cheques were mailed by reception with care, In hopes that a few of us wouldn’t return in the new year, The dogs were nestled and chewing a bone, while visions of chickens danced in their domes. And Maxo on Spotify and I in my hat, we just settled down for a couple weeks nap, when out in the car park there arose such a clatter, we sprang from our desks to see what was the matter.

Away to the window like kids on the bus, tore open the blinds and threw up the latch, the smoke from the fires, stung at the eyes. When what to our wonder should appear but a bloody fat guy, it was the same bloody dick that had nicked the car and told us not to bother, he didn’t have insurance not even AMMI to call. We knew in that moment it was the same prick who bloody ruined christmas when we were just six. More rabid than foxes we were in a rage and he whistled, and shouted and called us filthy names.

“Now, Dickhead! Now, Dropkick! Now Prick and Wanker! On, Cockhead, On CuiN The NT! On, Douchebag! On, Bastard! It’s not a bloody Porsche! Or even a Nissan! Now go away, Go away Go the F#ck away all! As far as I’m concerned it’s a stupid car and when I meet and obstacle we crash through and fly. So up to the houseos and pissheads of course with a sleigh full of sex toys and the fat prick of course. And then in a twinkle he jumped on our roof, dancing and flashing his little man Proof. Poor little Mitsi our car of 2 years down on the bonnet he came with a bound.

Dressed like a pauper, fur head to foot, his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and chicken poop. A bundle of bottles clunked on his back, he looked like a dealer who smoked too much crack. His eyes all bloodshot, his dimples all scarred! His cheeks were all hollow his nose was all marred! His cranky little mouth was turned into a scowl and the beard on his chin all crusty with spew. The half smoked ciggy held tight in his teeth and the smoke it encircled him like seagulls at the beach. A broad sunken face and little beer belly, his breath wrecked of whiskey when he started yelling. And we laughed despite ourselves when he started to share.

A creepy wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave us anxiety and a lot of dread, he spoke a few words but nothing made sense and he filled all the spaces and called us all jerks before tapping his nose and picking a winner, he gave us a nod and sat to eat his dinner. He munched on some beans, cold fresh from the can and washed it old down with a warm bottle of Hahn. And then just like nothing he marched on his way with a little whistle but we heard him exclaim , ere he walked out of sight.

Happy Christmas to all, make sure you have boozy night! Merry Christmas from all our drunk bogan friends across the land. A Christmas classic just copped some of the A Mind of Its Own Brand…

Welcome to the A Mind of Its Own, Christmas survival Spectacular!!! Now normally we aren’t that big on Christmas it’s generally a time of year when we like to crawl into our hobbit hole for a couple of weeks to take some time off and recharge the batteries but there is something in the air this year, well something aside from smoke that’s choking the east coast. Ladies and Gentleman, having kids around at Christmas is great and this year there are plenty of them to share in the excitement with. Children make Christmas and stop us from over indulging on the eggnog or Christmas sherry as well as helping us to run off mum’s Christmas ham. We literally had to stop writing for several minutes in order to stop making everything rhyme but now that we are back we’ll get into the festive spirit and give you the ultimate, go to guide for surviving the Christmas and New Year period in Australia this 2019.

In reality what we are giving you is nothing but common sense. In saying that a lot of us need to be told what’s good for us or what we should be doing from time to time. So as our Christmas present to you all we decided to put together the following tips to help you through the festive period and ensure you all there with us in the new year reading our little blog. We’d make you read it anyway whether you liked it or not. Plus what other blog do you get to learn about racing vibrators, bumper stickers, bin chickens, masturbation, the Dunbar number and self help books. We are only weeks away from doing our annual year in review and this year has been a big one for the team at A Mind of Its Own. So getting back on track…

First things first, before we get started, Air Conditioning is a must across this wide brown land you’ll need that cool breeze to keep you refreshed over the period otherwise you’ll start looking like, a dried up squashed toad on the side of the road in Queensland. Secondly a source of water to lounge around in is always a good thing to have available. Whether it be the dam, neighbors pool or the dogs clam shell. If you have to borrow the dogs shell pool it can be quite uncomfortable especially when man’s best friend tries to get in with you and your tinnies to cool down a little. Thirdly drink only cans, they float better than bottles and stay cooler longer. They are also easier to recycle than bottles. We think, some research may need to be conducted into whether that is or isn’t the actual case.

Now that we’ve got the basics out of the way we’ll get down to the nitty gritty of surviving Christmas and new years. As many of you will know and have experienced, the festive season can often be a little difficult to navigate for those who suffer anxiety and depression. There are expectations both internally and externally that need to be navigated throughout the period but hopefully with our little survivor pack below those of us that often struggle a little, will be able to manage and cope a bit better. Remember there is nothing wrong in putting your hand up and saying you aren’t OK and this time of year is often a little harder on people for a lot of reasons.

  1. You can choose your Friends, but you can’t choose your Family…

We all know Christmas is a time for family and catching up with friends but there are times when it can all become a little too much. The best way to navigate this is to be open and honest, while you set expectations with everyone and often yourself. Whilst that is often easier said than done there are little ways you can you can manage those thoughts and feelings as they come creeping up on you. Set the expectation early that you may need to disappear or take some time out for yourself whether it be 5,10,15, 20 or more minutes. Take yourself out of the environment and get some fresh air into the lungs. It might be hard to open up to friends and family, but they will appreciate it if you do and it could avoid a lot of the “what’s wrong?” questions. Christmas can often be a time of conflict between families as priorities and preferences can often upset people when they feel like you aren’t giving them the time they need. Unfortunately this is always going to happen but just remember to put you and your family first. Those that are upset will get over it, eventually. Communication is key as always.

  1. Money, Money, Monneeeyyyy…

Finances this time of year can often be a little strained but here’s a red hot tip and again it flows on from point 1. Just be open and honest, you don’t need to go out for drinks or dinner to catch up with people. There are plenty of things you can do without breaking your bank. You can go for a walk, buy a bottle of wine and hangout instead of going to the pub, have a coffee. The choices are literally limitless and can be minimal or cost effective. As for presents well there is always a secret Santa, where you buy one present of a certain value for someone in the family. Whilst it is a time of giving if you can’t afford to give, don’t! Stay within your limits. Again just be open and honest and in most cases people will actually respect you for it, as they may be thinking the exact same thing. Make sure you budget and stick to your budget, try to forecast a surplus, that little savings nest egg will come in handy later in the month or potentially in the new year.

  1. I’m an Exerciser…

With this time of year being one of the busiest and everyone rushing to get things done and closed out before they go on leave, we often stretch ourselves a little thin. Burning the candle at both ends while often involving a lot of fun and seeing friends and family it can become detrimental to your health. Both mentally and physically. If you have a regular routine make the time to stick to it, as close to it as possible. We know it’s often hard when you have family and friends around at this time of year however you need to make time for yourself. The time for you to do the things you enjoy is always good for your mental health and for those around you over the busy period. Things like yoga, gym, meditation and the like are always good and you need to keep doing them if they are a regular occurrence in your life. Worst case get out for a walk or run but if you are generally an active person make sure you stay active. Just because things become a little busier doesn’t mean you should cut out the things that make you happy and keep you sane.

  1. Social Media Bleedia…

Limiting the amount of time you spend on social media could have a direct impact on how good you feel this festive season, yes we know we live in a connected world but let’s be honest, generally people only post the good times in there lives. There are studies that point to the fact that looking at other peoples lives via “The Socials” we often get the feeling of missing out and in some cases start to question our own lives. Yes FOMO is a real thing ladies and gentlemen. The holidays, the gender reveals, the babies, family times, the body image and catch ups with good friends. It can and often does have an impact on people’s mental health looking at all of the images and posts of people who seem to be happy and have no issues in their lives. They do but as humans we can now hide behind the mask of social media. From time to time we can often get paid to have our every movement and soft core porn grace the screens and devices of people around the world. It’s yet another thing in our lives that allows us to not have to deal with our own issues.

  1. The Thirst…

Whilst we all love a couple of tinnies or glasses of vino over the festive period we are advocates of everything in moderation. No matter what your choice of poison, drink responsibly. That includes mum’s glazed ham that smells so delicious out in the kitchen. Or the kilo of prawns sitting in the fridge waiting for you to peel. Eat with your belly not with your eyes, over indulgence throughout the festive period whether it be food or alcohol can often lead to heightening of our mental health issues and just poor health in general. Everything in moderation as they say and just because it’s there in front of you doesn’t mean you have to have it. As you all know, alcohol is a depressant and when you are already feeling a little under the weather due to the time of year, adding fuel to the fire isn’t always the best idea, particularly when you have to deal with everything. So whilst we aren’t saying don’t have a good time we are saying maybe have a couple less this year and see if it helps improve things.

  1. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly…

They say to focus on the positives but when your brain is playing tricks on you and spinning at a million miles an hour trying to process and question everything it’s often hard to do. You hear of people talking about gratitude and ensuring you know what you are grateful for in your life. It’s especially important during the festive period to try and focus on the good in your life. The people you want to spend time with, the people you want to waste your time on. As you know time is precious and we should be spending it on the people we want to waste our time and energy on along with doing the things that make us happy. Again if there is something you want to do, make sure you do it, or communicate that you want to do it. Throughout the period the more you talk the more you will achieve and the more you will be at peace within yourself.

So the moral of our survival edition is basically this or the Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF) during this festive period, communication will solve a lot of your issues and as selfish as it sounds you need to look after you first and foremost. That’s the crux of it ladies and gentlemen. By doing this you could actually be helping those around you and you’ll find you’ll enjoy the period a lot more. You’ll be less anxious, less stressed and will be able to combat those mental health issues that tend to flare for a lot of people this time of year. Whilst we all have to compromise from time to time the more we talk about it the easier things are on everyone. Lastly a reminder that it’s OK to ask for help or to say that you are not OK. It’s generally at this time of year that people need help or are struggling a little and that conversation and asking them if they are OK can go a long, long way.

And so we leave you for another week and this time we can wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!! This isn’t the last you’ll hear from us for the year, we still have a year in review to write for you and there is always a Christmas party story or something political that could no doubt rear its head within the next couple of weeks. After all we are waiting got Trumpasaurus Rex to be impeached. But for now it’s a good night or day depending where you are and as we said a Merry Christmas to you all! Felice Navidad…

Don’t Dream It’s Over…

With another week under our belts we thought it only fitting that we get to work on the next installment of the blog that no one wants to read but everyone does because we make them. As a smoke haze covers the skies over the Nation’s Capital, we set off to the country in order to recharge the batteries. As the car zipped over the tarmac we were reminded of the devastation caused by the bushfires currently ravaging the country. The smokey vision of Canberra retreated in the rearview mirror and we couldn’t help but think of all those affected by the fires. We want to send a massive shout out to the fire crews around the country working tirelessly to get the blazes under control and all the volunteers helping out those who have been displaced. Lastly a shout out to those who are fundraising or donating, whether it be money, clothing or food.

Peeling open this weeks onion, layer by layer we’ll rip right on in to yet another A Mind of its Own and boy is this one a doozy. We thought we’d seen it all, we thought we’d experienced it all, that was until we moved back to the nation’s capital. We all know that Canberrans are quite liberal when it comes to, well let’s be honest, just about everything. From fireworks and porn to growing their own Mary Jane the Nation’s Capital is very liberal in their approach to all things elicit. Don’t get us wrong you still can’t go about murdering people that’s a step too far for the liberal decision makers in Canberra but, they are more than happy for you to pay for sex, buy some fireworks, grow some weed all the while watching the latest pornography to come out of the backrooms of Los Angeles’s Porn Valley. And in most cases you can probably get it all from the one store.

Anyway having made our return to the nation’s capital after being away for close to a decade the team at A Mind Of Its Own have been out and about exploring. Like Bourke and Wills we feel Canberra has a lot of unexplored territory, well at least since the last time we lived there. For the young one’s reading who aren’t paying attention in History class, Burke and Wills were two of Australia’s most famous and tragic explorers. It’s safe to say Canberra has expanded, a little like our waistlines as we make our way from bar to club and back to bar in our drinking and eating exploration of Walter Burley Griffin’s vision of a city. Little did the native Chicagoan know his vision of Canberra would continue to grow and expand over the decades to come. Have you seen the twin towers of Gungahlin? The apartment block monoliths stand well above the building skyline and frankly look a little ridiculous. As the bush capital expands so does the communities want and need for new and exciting things.

Enter anyone with money and half a brain, ching, ching, ching money making opportunities a plenty are popping up all over Canberra. And with that there is no shortage of people willing to try and make a quick buck. There is a foreshore on the lake now, there are bars, restaurants, gentleman’s clubs, playgrounds, break-rooms, axe throwing, more porn stores, new nightclubs where some of our favorites used to be and lots and lots of coffee shops. With expansion comes consumerism and let’s be honest, one of the biggest commodities in the nation’s capital is alcohol. Canberran’s love a drink and hey if other states had to deal with politicians and public servants all the time they’d probably love a drop or two as well. But one thing we’ve noticed is that Canberran’s tend to divide themselves into drinking classes.

Yeah that’s right you heard it here first, drinking classes, upper, middle and lower and just downright trashy. The upper crust consists of the politicians and upper echelons of the public service who can afford to drink from the top shelf of the bar and generally choose to do so or order the most expensive bottles of wine on the list, why because they can and they need people to know they are important. The middle section well they are the ones that can swing either way and it didn’t surprise us to learn that a lot of them do just that but back to drinks. They’ll dabble in the top-shelf but also aren’t afraid to hit the middle shelf as well as ordering the house wine or whatever is on tap. The lower class like society will order only house or basic spirits they will only ever dabble in shelves above their stature if someone else is shouting.

Furthermore, they are the last group to get into a shout as it means less drinks for them, or to offer a shout for that matter. Then there is the downright trashy, they are your woo girls, drunkards and party animals. If its got alcohol in it they’ll drink it, they are the ones at the bar ordering shots at 3 in the afternoon. They are also the groups that pregame and drink at home before heading out. We’d like to say they are generally the fresh faced 18 year olds and uni students but sadly there are those who are trying to relive their youth or drink themselves into oblivion. But that’s not we are here to talk to you about this week, we want to talk to you about the crazes sweeping the capital, the strange and ludicrous things that we are seeing and experiencing.

Like all humans Canberran’s want the latest and greatest, they need all the toys and they are all interconnected in both the wide world and their social settings. Canberra ladies and gentleman is a small world, it is tiny in terms of who knows who and who knows what. So when we started our bar hopping journey in order to understand the who, what, where and why of some of the things we’d seen so far, we weren’t surprised to see a few familiar faces along the way. The liberality of our fellow Canberran’s astounded us more than we thought it would, there was a lot of talk of keys in the bowl parties, acknowledgement of making it snow and discussions of sexual prowess from both men and women. As we said Canberran’s are quite liberal in everything they do and seem to be more open to discuss things particularly over a beverage or two.

So what happens when you throw in some sex toys among some tipsy men and women in a bar? Well you get Canberra’s new favourite betting event. It’s hard not to start wondering whether we had just walked into a public orgy or whether the sex toys were to be used as swords in some weird Pirates of the Caribbean reenactment. All of a sudden this table like luge is rolled out from the backroom and so it began. Like scenes from the Melbourne Cup carnival we watched on as people began betting on vibrators of all shapes and sizes. Like horses or the dishlickers they all had names and racing stats. There was a booky and before we knew it we were betting on this big black thing that looked like it had come straight out of a Porn Hub video. With a name like Black Beauty it was a sure winner well at least it looked like a winner right up until the point it began to slow on the home straight as it’s batteries died. Like a giant black Wang becoming flaccid it flopped to the track floor refusing to move while a little red rocket wiggled its way past to take the win.

Lodging a dispute with the governing body (the bartender designated to oversee the races) Black Beauty’s batteries were changed and the race was to be rerun. You’d think with a fresh set of double AA’s and an inside lane we were a sure thing but it just wasn’t black beauty’s night. Vibrating and wriggling its way down the track it headed for the barrier like a vagina seeking missile barreling the smaller and more delicate vibrators out of the way. Time slowed as Black Beauty hit the barrier and flipped, the buzzing silenced the crowd as the race leader tumbled through the air end over end before hitting the ground and continuing to wiggle all the way into a young ladies foot. Her face turned a nice shade of red as she bent down and plucked Black Beauty up from beside her foot like a dirty pair of undies. It was almost like she’d never touched one before despite the heckling from her friends suggesting otherwise.

Our first experience of what has been dubbed Dildo racing despite the fact it was pointed out to us that these were vibrators and not Dildos by several female spectators. We’d picked the biggest blackest vibrator available and it failed us much to the envy of a few people in the room who were no doubt watching in anticipation as it wiggled down the course only to slap some poor young woman in the ankle. Safe to say on this occasion we backed the wrong dildo but hey it was an experience and one that we never thought we would be a part of. It got us thinking and the more we thought the more the questions began to flow through our often juvenile minds. Could you bring your own (BYO) racing vibrator? are there limits on vibrations per second, like race cars have limits on the amount of horses they can harness? Were there different tracks that require different treads (Ribbed or smooth etc.)? At what age do they retire? The questions would not stop coming and the gutter minded people we are so wanted to spell that incorrectly but the editors told us to pick up our game.

Like the yo-yo, tazos, tamagotchis, Pokemon cards and other shit fads that have plagued our childhoods the world of Dildo racing is alive and well in the Nation’s Capital. From one bar to another there are tracks popping up and champion dildos wiggling their way into the history books of Canberra folk lore. Sadly Black Beauty won’t be one of them, with a short battery life due to her or his high revolutions per second, it’s safe to say it’s short track specialist and the track needs to be dead straight. It’s a world all of it’s own and some of the characters that we met were well, characters that’s for sure. But men and women alike threw down their hard earned coin to wager the results of vibrators wriggling across a makeshift track to victory.

There are even rumours of an underground racing league springing up in the back rooms of sex shops around the capital. In order to get a better understanding of what constitutes a good or even great racer we thought we’d better head out to Fyshwick and get an expert’s opinion as to what would make a great racer. Like visiting the Gai Waterhouse stables just with weird looking jockey silks and whips reminiscent of 1700-1800 cat of nine tails used to beat the living piss out of convicts. As we entered what some would consider a den of iniquities and met the lovely “Lola” (Her true Identity has been hidden to protect her and her employer) who was quite knowledgeable in the world of Dildo racing, she instructed us that just because one had a higher vibrations per minute than another did not make it a better pick. There were all types of racers with everything from spinning heads to spikes to pearls. We were in the thick of it and we were learning more and more about what makes a good racer versus a pleasurable racer.

After spending more time with “Lola” than we had planned, we now knew enough that we were ready to not only purchase a racer but also enter into the underground racing scene popping up after hours in bars across Canberra. Sadly we have day jobs that would prevent us from living out our fast and furious underground racing dreams. As we left we began to search google and as it turns out there are leagues around the world, with clubs and pubs across the US, in particular Sin City having raced pocket pals, lady lovers, rocket racers and whatever you want to call them for years. It got us wondering what other underground scenes there were around the nation’s capital and how many politicians were involved, who we knew and how on earth could we report on them to our friends and family. Why wouldn’t the world want to know all the sordid details after all that’s what a mind of its own is all about.

Like Sherlock Holmes and Watson we were keen to dig up the dirt and solve the cases or in this case answer the questions people need answered. Sometimes they just don’t know they need or want them answered. So if you feel like participating in Dildo racing legally head on into Hopscotch in Braddon or Young and Frisky out in Gungahlin to get your fix. Or try the sex shops who knows what they may have going on in the back rooms. Our new friend “Lola” was very knowledgeable in the racing industry. The more we explored the more games and entertainment we came across. There was Corn-hole, ring toss, darts, pool, board games and giant jenga which is always fun when you’ve had a few too many schooners.

And so we close another chapter, this one a little shorter than most but hey it’s not really a topic that most people knew was happening, and just to clarify, it’s not a sport as it doesn’t involve a ball ladies and gentlemen. From one club to another the gambling scene of Dildo racing is alive and well in Canberra and added to alcohol fueled men and women it’s something to be seen, we even saw a fight break out over some alleged cheating. Did they hide weights in the front of the vibrator to make it go faster? We have no idea but what we do know is that young man had, had a few too many beverages. Until next week we’ll bid you a fond farewell and start to prepare the Christmas spectacular edition of A Mind of Its Own. After all, who doesn’t love being festive around this time of year? Besides the Grinch and Scrooge we can’t think of many people who don’t like the festivities of year end. So until next time peace out…