Everything Works Out In The End…

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s not often we’ll be sitting there and an idea pops into our heads, OK that’s fallacious it often does happen. Where do you think the bumper stickers and toilet paper posts came from? They were real life and just happened to jump out in front of us like kangaroos at dusk on a country road. Too much yeah it felt a little too much as soon as we typed it but it’s there now and you’ll move on to the next paragraph within seconds so we’ll just apologise and say sorry for putting the image in your head. But if you weren’t happy with that image then we’d advise you to stop reading right here…

This instalment of A Mind of Its Own is going to contain graphic imagery. We’ll be painting pictures in your mind that would make Bob Ross baring up and climb out of his grave to paint the town red, white and blue. Like all Bob Ross fantasies we need to move on and quickly. There’s a song by a famous Australian singer, you’ll know it when we get to the lyrics but before your beautiful, inquisitive minds start trying to guess. No, it’s not Horses or Khe Sanh which are probably two of the most famous pub songs to come out of the land down under. Oh that’s another classic as well but we digress once again. It’s a song that when sung often reminds us of those times we just need to let loose, just let it all go and just roll with the punches…

Released in 1986, wow some of our readers weren’t even a twinkle in their fathers eye back then but some of our readers were well and truly in the trenches with Tin Lids around their ankles. Fuck it is easy to get side tracked when writing shit that a lot of people don’t want to read about… Anyway getting back on track, released in 1986 the album Whispering Jack was the 12th studio album from none other than John Farnham and boy did it include some absolute belters. From You’re the voice to A Touch of Paradise both of which also get a good showing in pubs and clubs around the country by audiences young and old. However there was one other song that featured on the album that really got us going on a tangent that more or less wrote itself.

With a chorus often chanted “Take the pressure down, Cause I can feel it, it’s rising like a storm,Take hold of the wheels and turn them around, Take the pressure down”. The aptly named Take the Pressure Down became an instant classic but it also became the theme song to a lot of kids daily absolution’s and got us thinking about a topic that has plagued so many of throughout history. We once again delved as deep as we dared into the dark recess of the internet for as much raw data as possible, even reading such books as Bum Zhu’s Art of Poo, in order to write this blog. It was shit going, pun intended but as we slogged through the filth and waste a pattern started to emerge. One that needs to be talked about, one that we often overlook and one that has often had us in a rest stop toilet unintentionally fingering our bum hole through cheap and nasty toilet paper. And so it begins…

We’ve all been there, there is no denying it, we are a society of risk takers and shit takers but when we push the limits the consequences can often be dire. We’ll paint the picture for you albeit in a Poo brown. You are driving along, singing along to your favourite Katy Perry song when all of a sudden the pressure starts to build up and you need to cock the old leg and just let one rip. Now it’s a common occurrence according to Harvard Health on average, the body produces approximately two litres of flatus (the technical name for intestinal gas) daily, and people pass gas about 14 times a day. So it’s no wonder we often feel the need to crop dust our way around the office and act like nothing happened or in this case cock the leg and release in the comfort of our own vehicle.

However sometimes sharts attack and when those big brown sharts come they can be just as deadly as a shark in a pool of blood. Hopefully there is no blood though as that means there could be something seriously wrong and we recommend you see your doctor immediately. Immediately after cleaning yourself up and getting some fresh pants. First thing you are all asking is, is shitting yourself while farting common? Well the answer to that is yes and no. It happens more often than you think. Is it normal? Sometimes but there are several things that probably need to be asked.

In case you haven’t grasped it with both hands yet a Shart is a shit that slips out while you are in the process of farting. Now farting and shitting are both normal bodily functions, you’ve probably farted while in the process of dropping the kids off before but when it happens the other way around it can become quite daunting and isn’t something that should be happening regularly. Sharting becomes more of a possibility if you are holding in a bowel movement or didn’t fully empty your bowels the last time you went to the toilet but it is also more of a possibility if there is an underlying medical issue or you are just getting older. Yep that’s right the older you get the more likely you are to shart. Why? Because your sphincter muscles weaken as you get older and we often don’t look to strengthen them.

So besides the grim reaper watching over you and waiting for you to age, what other underlying causes can lead from a simple fart turning into leaving your jocks and sometimes pants in the waste bin at the highway rest stop?. As always the team of boffins here put together a list of the common causes behind an often over confident mistake.

Well firstly there is Diarrhoea and we’ve all chanced a fart with gastro that has ended up a costly mess but there are also underlying causes that often cause that. Who knew sharting could be so complex? Let’s be honest a solid log isn’t likely to slip out when you fart if you have diarrhoea so your chances of sharting while you have a spitty bum are much higher. A number of things can cause diarrhoea, including:

  • digestive disorders, such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and Crohn’s disease
  • lactose intolerance
  • gastrointestinal infections
  • drinking too much alcohol
  • certain medications, such as antibiotics
  • stress
  • food allergies
  • artificial sweeteners
  • sugar alcohols

We then move on to constipation. Yeah, those large hard shits are back again and often difficult to pass and according to several articles we’ve read they can lead to stretching and weakening of the muscles in your rectum. Like a blocked pipe where there is a will there’s a way. Picture a drain pipe with an action man shoved in there by a child to stop anything flowing past it while he’ll stop all the solid objects from moving past and cause a back up the watery objects will leak their way around Action Man and his blockade. The same thing happens in our rectums particularly when we fart. Also if you’re constipated it’s a good sign you aren’t getting enough fibre in your diet,

Other causes include:

  • not drinking enough water
  • a lack of exercise
  • stress
  • holding in your bowel movements
  • travel or other changes in your routine
  • certain medications, like opioids
  • hormonal changes during your period, pregnancy, or menopause
  • IBS

Then you have Hemorrhoid’s, nerve damage, muscle damage, rectal prolapse, rectocele, which are all structural changes often caused by straining too much, childbirth, weight issues, trauma etc. These can all contribute to the art of the shart.

By now you’re questioning your ability to squeeze or slow release farts and probably wondering whether this will happen to you. Chances are you will at least shart once if not twice in your life but what do you do about it? We’ve prepared for such scenarios and no we aren’t going to tell you to forget the outside world and go and live in an underground bunker although that is an option should you wish.

If you are in public and more than wind escapes your hiney chances are it’s going to be mortifying. Firstly take a deep breath because you are going to need to do something that is hard for most of us and even a highly trained tier one operator would struggle to do in this instance. The first thing you need to do is put your ego aside and forget about damage control, you need to channel your inner Martha Stewart because cleaning up on aisle arse needs to be your first order of business. Do your best shit shuffle to closest toilet and take any of the following with you if possible:

  • a plastic bag
  • a cup or bottle to fill with water
  • a jacket
  • wipes

Once inside the washroom:

  • Remove your underwear and put them in the plastic bag, or roll them up in toilet paper or paper towels to dispose of them, or you can always poor gasoline on them and set them on fire as soon as possible or put them in the wash your choice
  • Wipe your bum with toilet paper. Be sure to wipe any other skin that may have been shot by your shart.
  • Use some wet toilet paper or a paper towel to wash yourself if wiping isn’t enough, and dry off if you don’t have the balls to stand in the local fountain and wash yourself down.

Next, you’ll want to deal with any mess that’s made its way to your outer clothing. If possible, use the sink to wash the soiled area with soap and water and rinse. If you’re stuck in a stall, do the best you can with wet toilet paper or wipes, if you have them. If you have access to the hand dryer, you can dry the area in no time like a lot of us do when we accidentally get splash back from the urinal and finally put your clothes back on. If not, use paper towels or toilet paper to soak up as much of the water as you can. Tying a jacket or sweater around your waist like we all did in the 90’s can hide the wet spot till it dries or you make it back home.

If you are lucky enough to be at home, forget the steps above and just take it to the shower, don’t bother getting undressed, just turn the goddamn taps on and stand under the water feeling sorry for yourself. But only for a minute you still have shit to deal with literally. You can either wash those solid clothes properly or bundle up that shame in a garbage bag and take it to the tip. Finally as for the embarrassment unless someone actually sees poo play it off as a fart, excuse yourself and get out of there as quickly as your now chafing thighs will allow you! Shit happens and apparently more frequently for some than others.

On that rather foul and smelly brown note we’ll leave you to contemplate John Farnham, Bob Ross and Martha Stewart floating through your minds as you think about a common everyday occurrence turning into a shit stained blunder. So next time you’re struggling to poo or have accidentally sharted just start signing Take the pressure down. If anything it’ll improve your mood. Once again we’ve been A Mind of Its Own and we’ve appreciated your time and fortitude as you let us grace your device screen and educate you on a topic that no one really wanted to hear about. Now go and do some Kegels you’ll be less likely to shart. It’ll help you in the future!

Voodoo People…

Another week and another plump piece right out of the brains in the A Mind of Its Own laboratory. The team has been working hard to ensure there is enough in the tank so that you receive something each week going forward after our brief hiatus, due to a certain podcast that we are trying to make viral. With so many projects up in the air it’s a little hard to come up with new and exciting ideas for you all but nevertheless we seem to have come up with a couple lately that we have found to be quite interesting whilst doing some deep dive research. Like the band The Prodigy who came to fame with their punky, dark, often weird and interesting electronica hits like Breathe, Fire starter and the title of this week’s blog Voodoo People. Why did we pick Voodoo people? Well because Voodoo people believe in the content of this week’s blog. They are happy to stick a doll crafted in your likeness with pins just so you feel some pain.

Firstly, this was one of those blogs that just happened to write itself, with a little help from the research team who trolled Wikipedia, Encyclopaedia Britannica and our favourite search engine to find you the truth… Google. Have you ever had one of those headaches that just lingers on the edge of becoming a full blown migraine? Of course you have, you read our blog each week and it does tend to take on a mind of its own, so we can understand that you’ve probably had a migraine induced by reading this fine piece of modern literature. The man sitting in the corner office overlooking a wall of solid plasterboard has had a couple of migraines as of late and the editor, better known to you lovely folks as LMC, suggested he get a piercing to help with the migraines. Our thoughts however were that perhaps he should have looked after his body a bit better when he was younger.

From there it was a call out to the research team to find out everything they could about these piercings that help with migraines and the history behind them. Yes ladies and gentlemen you can actually get a piercing that is said to help lessen the effects and reduce the number of migraines and headaches suffered. When it first started to take hold in modern society we believed it was more of a fashion statement rather than having a medicinal purpose and to be honest you don’t actually see a lot of blokes with this particular piercing but then again we read the statistics on migraines and well it would seem to be that it’s the fairer sex that tends to suffer more with them. As always, the more we researched ‘Daith and Rook Piercings’ the more it got the writers thinking about other non-traditional medicines or remedies that people have used throughout history and continue to use today.

But before we head further down the path let’s learn a little more about daith and rook piercings. These two piercings are done on the inner cartilage of the ear and are said to act in an acupuncture manner on pressure points. Traditional Chinese medicine explains acupuncture as a technique for balancing the flow of energy or life force known as chi or qi (Chee), it is believed to flow through pathways (meridians) in your body. By inserting needles into specific points along these meridians, acupuncture practitioners believe that your energy flow will re-balance. In contrast, many Western practitioners view the acupuncture points as places to stimulate nerves, muscles and connective tissue. Some believe that this stimulation boosts your body’s natural painkillers. According to LiveScience acupuncture works like a starter motor in a car. Without the starter motor you have no way of getting a spark to the engine in which to ignite your fuel. You pierce the skin creating a tiny wound that tells the brain to send out chemicals to relieve pain and/or begin the healing process.

With people becoming more and more conscious about what they put in their bodies or people finding western medicine is failing them more often people are turning to non-traditional medicines and remedies. As children for those of us who grew up with grandparents and great grandparents who spent their lives working the land, they had a remedy for everything. Some of them were a little left field and a little disgusting if you ask the writers, and it seems there is a group of new pundits who want to champion some of these so called remedies and medicine. According to some experts, whom we are questioning the validity of their expertise, your own pee, yes urine is said to be a good cure for certain things if applied topically. One of these so-called experts is Martha Christy, nutritionist and author, champions the natural cure, outlining the healing powers of urotherapy and its antibacterial and antifungal properties in her book Your Own Perfect Medicine.

Her book goes on to say that a swig or two in the morning could also boost your immune system. We don’t know about you but we certainly don’t want to be drinking our own urine each and every morning just to boost our immune system when there are much more palatable ways to do so. From this we once again continued down the path of wondering what strange and unusual remedies are out there in the world. The good news ladies and gentlemen is there is no shortage of remedies, homemade cures and voodoo to get you through the darkest of ailments and frustrations that besieges your body on a regular basis. From the flu to increasing your breast size there is a non-traditional cure for everything. Some of them gave us a good laugh while others made us cringe in somewhat pain at the thought of the lack of science behind some of these remedies, wives’ tales and voodoo spells all with the intention of healing you.

There are the ones you hear from your grandparents like peeing on blue bottle stings at the beach to stop the stinging. The science tells us this isn’t the case and will most likely make the pain worse due to your urine either being too acidic or too alkaline which stimulates the release of more stinging cells. So next time you are at the beach and get stung don’t get someone to pee on it unless of that’s a little fetish you find yourself interested in, then go right ahead. Instead rest and ice are the best treatment as recommended in most first aid guides available from your local bookstore. So where did the origin of these so-called cures come from? Was it through experimentation or was it myth and legend passed on from generation to generation?

A lot of these home remedies to cure common ailments date back generations but are more easily traced once we began recording history. From the early 1300s home remedies were recorded and passed on. Examples such as onion in socks which were used when it was thought that Bubonic plague was passed on via bad air and not germs. Science has since then disproven that theory and shows that most plagues and flus are passed on via germs. The more research we conducted into these home remedies the more unbelievable and strange ones we came across. There are some that provide natural healing properties and some that are just gimmicks, used to suck people in to believing they were slowly getting better with the assistance of these ‘remedies’.

Below are examples of some of the stranger remedies we came across in our quest to understand the voodoo medicine that people believe in, these home remedies are believed to have worked for centuries and are passed from one generation to the next.

Marshmallows for a Sore Throat

Sick of medicinal throat lozenges or plain old lemon, honey and ginger tea? Apparently a youthful round of marshmallows is the tastier way to soothe a hoarse throat. While the sap from the marshmallow plant originally used to make the lollies has been praised for its anti-inflammatory properties, people continue to believe that the gelatine-based sweets we see in stores today still offer relief. Sounds like a sneaky excuse to have a fire and roast some marshmallows to us.

Bread & Milk for Boils

Moistening bread with milk or water and slapping it on your skin seems like something only an infant could teach us to do right? But seriously, there are full-grown educated people treating their boils this way today. What’s a boil? Ever had an infected hair follicle, well yeah that’s a boil. Poultices (that is, any soft, moist substance used for healing) come from the word for “porridge,” which is likely where the idea to transform day-old bread into a skin remedy originated, sounds absolutely tasty doesn’t it?

Hard-Boiled Egg for a Black Eye

Got into a fight or copped an errant elbow from the other half in bed while you sleep? It’s no longer a problem or need for well-placed infomercial products. Asian tradition states that you should slip an old silver coin into a freshly peeled hard boiled egg whilst it’s still warm, wrap it in a thin cloth and then rub it into the bruise until the coin “absorbs” the purple hue. No intelligence exists on the financial value of the smelly violet coin after the procedure, or how long your face will smell like a bad 90’s perm but hey the alternative is you rock that bad boy with pride like a battle wound. We know which route we would take.

Wet Spinach behind the Ears for Nosebleeds

Regular sufferers of nosebleeds have likely been advised to up their intake of vitamin K-rich foods like spinach, this is due to the nutrient’s role in blood coagulation. A fair bit of research went into working out why Popeye ate so much of the green stuff that we’ve only recently all started to enjoy. But some families figure, why bother eating it when you can just hang it like a dangling pair of slimy spinach bangles or earrings behind your ear? Well, we all had plenty of opportunities as kids to hide our greens in unforeseen places, but it’s probably time we stopped pretending this could magically work at reducing and treating nosebleeds.

Put Fresh Basil in Your Bottom for Constipation

From spinach to other garden greens. Basil has long been regarded as a natural laxative and home remedy for constipation, but most modern holistic websites just tell you to chew and eat the stuff like a normal person. Some homemakers, on the other hand, swear you need to insert the fresh leaves up through the back door like shelving a pill and let it sit there until something comes out. It’s essentially a homemade enema. We can’t imagine how this awkward trick would work or who thought to test it out, but on the bright side, your bowel movements might smell like pesto!

Papaya Juice and Milk for Bigger Breasts

Looking to perk up the girls? Forget the Wonderbra and just pour yourself a glass of fresh papaya juice and milk instead. For decades, women have sworn by this natural boob job, there are multiple blogs solely devoted to this technique! The theory largely supported by science is that the milk supplies a hit of protein, while the papaya’s unique enzymes help digest and absorb that protein which in turn helps to bulk up those pectoral muscles. All that sugar sounds like any other classic weight-gain cocktail to us, so you may get bigger boobs, but don’t be surprised if they come with a matching belly and love handles.

Liquorice for Calluses

A snack and a remedy all in one while you work out! Athletes, Gym junkies and roid ragers rejoice! You can apparently run off those calories and then keep yourself from eating them by rubbing your favourite liquorice candy onto your callused feet or hands. The theory goes that liquorice supposedly contains an estrogenic-like substance that can soften tough skin, especially when mixed with a little oil or jelly.

Onion in Sock for a Cold or Flu

Tradition says that when a baby runs a fever, just slip a slice of onion into their socks and let the onion “absorb” the ailment through their little feet. This old wives’ tale stems from the early 1900s when families claimed they survived influenza by placing cut onions around their homes. While there is no doubt that onions have powerful health and nutritional properties when consumed, feet don’t have mouths and are putrid enough as it is. Put your onions in your sandwich or salad, not in your socks.

Gizzard Tea for Diarrhoea

Well, doesn’t this sound appetising? Apparently next time you have the shits, you just cut the lining out of a standard chicken gizzard, for those asking, it’s the thick muscular walled part of a bird’s stomach, and then let it dry out. After it’s dry, you can pop it into a pot of boiling water and drink the tea until your diarrhoea disappears. Honestly, just the thought of gizzard tea makes us want to rush to the bathroom and vacate our bowels, so it may just have the opposite effect.

Chocolate Coated Garlic to Boost Memory

According to Google, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt’s daily routine to improve her memory included eating three chocolate-covered garlic cloves, assumedly it was due to the brain-supporting antioxidants that are found in both foods.

Grated Onions and Ouzo for Sprain

The Greeks know how to work a little booze into everything they do. After a nasty fall, the standard suggestion is to mix Ouzo and grated onion into a paste and bandage it onto the swollen area to sit overnight. The next morning — Opa! The swelling should have disappeared!

Coffee Potty to Induce Labour

Impatient for the little bundle of joy to arrive and take away the sleep you currently enjoy so much? Mums have been abuzz about this natural induction method for years. Just pour a fresh pot of Joe into a bowl, pop it into the toilet and squat over it like you’re going to relieve yourself. Apparently, you may end up relieving yourself of something a lot bigger than your daily business but who doesn’t love a good cuppa first thing?

In the interests of full disclosure we aren’t sure that any of these will actually work but we’ll certainly try a few of them over the next couple of months and let you all know how we go. There is a good chance this voodoo medicine better known as wives’ tales won’t actually make any sense whatsoever or fix your ailments but hey why not give it a go. People are doing much weirder things these days anyways so what’s doing something a little different in an attempt to save a trip to the doctor or the chemist. Anyway that’s enough from us for now, we’ve once again managed to take up your time with what is interesting and yet pointless. So until the next one enjoy your spinach behind the ears, your gizzard tea or whatever home remedies have been passed down in your family. Whatever floats your boat right, peace out hombres…