Category: medical

Everything Works Out In The End…

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s not often we’ll be sitting there and an idea pops into our heads, OK that’s fallacious it often does happen. Where do you think the bumper stickers and toilet paper posts came from? They were real life and just happened to jump out in front of us like kangaroos at dusk on a country road. Too much yeah it felt a little too much as soon as we typed it but it’s there now and you’ll move on to the next paragraph within seconds so we’ll just apologise and say sorry for putting the image in your head. But if you weren’t happy with that image then we’d advise you to stop reading right here…

This instalment of A Mind of Its Own is going to contain graphic imagery. We’ll be painting pictures in your mind that would make Bob Ross baring up and climb out of his grave to paint the town red, white and blue. Like all Bob Ross fantasies we need to move on and quickly. There’s a song by a famous Australian singer, you’ll know it when we get to the lyrics but before your beautiful, inquisitive minds start trying to guess. No, it’s not Horses or Khe Sanh which are probably two of the most famous pub songs to come out of the land down under. Oh that’s another classic as well but we digress once again. It’s a song that when sung often reminds us of those times we just need to let loose, just let it all go and just roll with the punches…

Released in 1986, wow some of our readers weren’t even a twinkle in their fathers eye back then but some of our readers were well and truly in the trenches with Tin Lids around their ankles. Fuck it is easy to get side tracked when writing shit that a lot of people don’t want to read about… Anyway getting back on track, released in 1986 the album Whispering Jack was the 12th studio album from none other than John Farnham and boy did it include some absolute belters. From You’re the voice to A Touch of Paradise both of which also get a good showing in pubs and clubs around the country by audiences young and old. However there was one other song that featured on the album that really got us going on a tangent that more or less wrote itself.

With a chorus often chanted “Take the pressure down, Cause I can feel it, it’s rising like a storm,Take hold of the wheels and turn them around, Take the pressure down”. The aptly named Take the Pressure Down became an instant classic but it also became the theme song to a lot of kids daily absolution’s and got us thinking about a topic that has plagued so many of throughout history. We once again delved as deep as we dared into the dark recess of the internet for as much raw data as possible, even reading such books as Bum Zhu’s Art of Poo, in order to write this blog. It was shit going, pun intended but as we slogged through the filth and waste a pattern started to emerge. One that needs to be talked about, one that we often overlook and one that has often had us in a rest stop toilet unintentionally fingering our bum hole through cheap and nasty toilet paper. And so it begins…

We’ve all been there, there is no denying it, we are a society of risk takers and shit takers but when we push the limits the consequences can often be dire. We’ll paint the picture for you albeit in a Poo brown. You are driving along, singing along to your favourite Katy Perry song when all of a sudden the pressure starts to build up and you need to cock the old leg and just let one rip. Now it’s a common occurrence according to Harvard Health on average, the body produces approximately two litres of flatus (the technical name for intestinal gas) daily, and people pass gas about 14 times a day. So it’s no wonder we often feel the need to crop dust our way around the office and act like nothing happened or in this case cock the leg and release in the comfort of our own vehicle.

However sometimes sharts attack and when those big brown sharts come they can be just as deadly as a shark in a pool of blood. Hopefully there is no blood though as that means there could be something seriously wrong and we recommend you see your doctor immediately. Immediately after cleaning yourself up and getting some fresh pants. First thing you are all asking is, is shitting yourself while farting common? Well the answer to that is yes and no. It happens more often than you think. Is it normal? Sometimes but there are several things that probably need to be asked.

In case you haven’t grasped it with both hands yet a Shart is a shit that slips out while you are in the process of farting. Now farting and shitting are both normal bodily functions, you’ve probably farted while in the process of dropping the kids off before but when it happens the other way around it can become quite daunting and isn’t something that should be happening regularly. Sharting becomes more of a possibility if you are holding in a bowel movement or didn’t fully empty your bowels the last time you went to the toilet but it is also more of a possibility if there is an underlying medical issue or you are just getting older. Yep that’s right the older you get the more likely you are to shart. Why? Because your sphincter muscles weaken as you get older and we often don’t look to strengthen them.

So besides the grim reaper watching over you and waiting for you to age, what other underlying causes can lead from a simple fart turning into leaving your jocks and sometimes pants in the waste bin at the highway rest stop?. As always the team of boffins here put together a list of the common causes behind an often over confident mistake.

Well firstly there is Diarrhoea and we’ve all chanced a fart with gastro that has ended up a costly mess but there are also underlying causes that often cause that. Who knew sharting could be so complex? Let’s be honest a solid log isn’t likely to slip out when you fart if you have diarrhoea so your chances of sharting while you have a spitty bum are much higher. A number of things can cause diarrhoea, including:

  • digestive disorders, such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and Crohn’s disease
  • lactose intolerance
  • gastrointestinal infections
  • drinking too much alcohol
  • certain medications, such as antibiotics
  • stress
  • food allergies
  • artificial sweeteners
  • sugar alcohols

We then move on to constipation. Yeah, those large hard shits are back again and often difficult to pass and according to several articles we’ve read they can lead to stretching and weakening of the muscles in your rectum. Like a blocked pipe where there is a will there’s a way. Picture a drain pipe with an action man shoved in there by a child to stop anything flowing past it while he’ll stop all the solid objects from moving past and cause a back up the watery objects will leak their way around Action Man and his blockade. The same thing happens in our rectums particularly when we fart. Also if you’re constipated it’s a good sign you aren’t getting enough fibre in your diet,

Other causes include:

  • not drinking enough water
  • a lack of exercise
  • stress
  • holding in your bowel movements
  • travel or other changes in your routine
  • certain medications, like opioids
  • hormonal changes during your period, pregnancy, or menopause
  • IBS

Then you have Hemorrhoid’s, nerve damage, muscle damage, rectal prolapse, rectocele, which are all structural changes often caused by straining too much, childbirth, weight issues, trauma etc. These can all contribute to the art of the shart.

By now you’re questioning your ability to squeeze or slow release farts and probably wondering whether this will happen to you. Chances are you will at least shart once if not twice in your life but what do you do about it? We’ve prepared for such scenarios and no we aren’t going to tell you to forget the outside world and go and live in an underground bunker although that is an option should you wish.

If you are in public and more than wind escapes your hiney chances are it’s going to be mortifying. Firstly take a deep breath because you are going to need to do something that is hard for most of us and even a highly trained tier one operator would struggle to do in this instance. The first thing you need to do is put your ego aside and forget about damage control, you need to channel your inner Martha Stewart because cleaning up on aisle arse needs to be your first order of business. Do your best shit shuffle to closest toilet and take any of the following with you if possible:

  • a plastic bag
  • a cup or bottle to fill with water
  • a jacket
  • wipes

Once inside the washroom:

  • Remove your underwear and put them in the plastic bag, or roll them up in toilet paper or paper towels to dispose of them, or you can always poor gasoline on them and set them on fire as soon as possible or put them in the wash your choice
  • Wipe your bum with toilet paper. Be sure to wipe any other skin that may have been shot by your shart.
  • Use some wet toilet paper or a paper towel to wash yourself if wiping isn’t enough, and dry off if you don’t have the balls to stand in the local fountain and wash yourself down.

Next, you’ll want to deal with any mess that’s made its way to your outer clothing. If possible, use the sink to wash the soiled area with soap and water and rinse. If you’re stuck in a stall, do the best you can with wet toilet paper or wipes, if you have them. If you have access to the hand dryer, you can dry the area in no time like a lot of us do when we accidentally get splash back from the urinal and finally put your clothes back on. If not, use paper towels or toilet paper to soak up as much of the water as you can. Tying a jacket or sweater around your waist like we all did in the 90’s can hide the wet spot till it dries or you make it back home.

If you are lucky enough to be at home, forget the steps above and just take it to the shower, don’t bother getting undressed, just turn the goddamn taps on and stand under the water feeling sorry for yourself. But only for a minute you still have shit to deal with literally. You can either wash those solid clothes properly or bundle up that shame in a garbage bag and take it to the tip. Finally as for the embarrassment unless someone actually sees poo play it off as a fart, excuse yourself and get out of there as quickly as your now chafing thighs will allow you! Shit happens and apparently more frequently for some than others.

On that rather foul and smelly brown note we’ll leave you to contemplate John Farnham, Bob Ross and Martha Stewart floating through your minds as you think about a common everyday occurrence turning into a shit stained blunder. So next time you’re struggling to poo or have accidentally sharted just start signing Take the pressure down. If anything it’ll improve your mood. Once again we’ve been A Mind of Its Own and we’ve appreciated your time and fortitude as you let us grace your device screen and educate you on a topic that no one really wanted to hear about. Now go and do some Kegels you’ll be less likely to shart. It’ll help you in the future!

I Will Play Games Beneath The Spin Light…

Many hours go into the preparation, planning and writing of each piece that graces your screen under the a mind of its own banner. We’ve often looked back and reflected at whether these are wasted hours where we’ve avoided the world outside and allowed ourselves a modicum of comfort hiding behind the keyboard as we type out what we hope will generate some conversation or at least give you all a laugh. After all, if you aren’t laughing you’re most likely crying. Not that there’s anything wrong with a good old cry, we all need one from time to time which leads us to the topic behind this instalment of Australia’s most underrated blog in the writer’s opinion. Where else do you get to read about the lost art of bumper sticker collection?

We’ve all cried at least once in our lives and if you aren’t well you might need to see a doctor about that as there is a good chance you have a blocked tear duct, are a robot or well we hate to say it you are emotionless. We poke fun but there are medical reasons why some people can’t cry and we shouldn’t overlook those. You’re probably thinking, are they really going to write a whole blog on crying and lecture us about the emotional state of people and what makes them shed a tear or two. Lucky for you the answer is no, no we are not. We are however going to give you a whole blog on another bodily function and no we aren’t talking about dropping the kids off at the pool. But yes poo is often a hot topic in households with young families or families who are open to shit conversations…literally.

So how do you start a blog about ejaculation knowing that some of your readers are squeamish and the writer’s parents are probably reading this? Well you start with the word ejaculation and just get straight into it and hope for the best. A little bit like your first time, it’s going to be weird, it’s going to be messy and it might not be that much fun for all involved but once you’re through it, well it just becomes another memory or in this case blog post. We are hoping that we don’t have to explain the biomechanics behind how a male ejaculates or female for that matter. We are also hoping that we don’t win a Guinness world record for the amount of times the word ejaculation is used outside of medical journals, romance novels, porn magazine articles or videos.

Now both men and women ejaculate to be clear. Not that many studies have been carried out to quantify that statement in recent times. The last one we could find was from 2013 that estimates that anywhere between 10-54% of women ejaculate. That can range from a few drops to half a cup. Yes,yes every depraved mind has googled two girls, one cup at some point throughout their introduction to the internet. But our focus isn’t on women and their ability to cum with gusto but more on nocturnal ejaculation or as it’s better known to every boy traversing through and beyond puberty a wet dream.

Firstly for some good news ladies it’s not just those toting XY chromosomes that have what are now being called nocturnal emissions. Women too have wet dreams, a surprise event that can sneak up on a young woman just like their first time menstrating. Yeah pun intended, grown arse men and women get them and will continue to get them throughout their life but what are they and what causes them you ask well herein lies the science behind a nocturnal emission (we scoured the internet looking for the most hilarious names we could come up with).

If you don’t know what a wet dream is, you might be pretty shocked, confused, or embarrassed the first time you experience one or each and every subsequent time you have one as an adult. Just remember it’s natural, it’s normal and most of all it’s ok, even as an adult. Also known as a nocturnal emission, or a sleep orgasm, wet dreams are when you ejaculate or cum spontaneously (without manual stimulation) while you’re pushing zzz’s (asleep). You might wake up during a wet dream or you might sleep through it and find the evidence smeared on your underwear, pants or sheets in the morning. We’ve all woken up sticky and covered in our own baby making juices once or twice in our lives and don’t say you haven’t.

So we now have what it is but what about why we hear you asking? Well ladies and gentlemen here’s the rub of it. We know, we know, it’s very punny. The causes of wet dreams are still not fully understood. During puberty your body is going through so many changes. For males you’re beginning to produce hair in places it’s never been before along with sperm, you change the way you view sex and you start to develop urges and you begin the throws of attraction to other people. For females your bodies go through massive changes, all of sudden your hips widen, you develop breasts, like males you develop body hair down there and in your armpits, your skin changes yep pimples and acne. You too develop sexual feelings to the point you might want to experiment and double click the mouse and then you begin menstruating and other vaginal discharge.

In adults we’ve searched high and low and there is little to no information on the potential causes of blowing your load while you sleep. There are some suggestions that one might not be slapping the salami enough or having the pogo stick ridden but there are no studies with evidence to support those theories. What we did come across was a lot of myths around sticky dreams which were quite entertaining to read so we thought we’d share the top 5 with our beloved readers.

Myth #1: Spontaneous sleep cum reduces a person’s immunity

Some people believe (can we cite religious groups and anti vaxxers here) that wet dreams and ejaculating, in general, can harm a person’s immune system (We feel you’re getting COVID with or without the cum). However, there is no evidence that orgasms have any negative effect on physical health. In fact, wet dreams can be a sign of healthy sexual functioning.

Myth #2: Night emissions reduce your baby batter count

Another myth is that wet dreams reduce a person’s sperm count. This is not true. The body simply makes new sperm after a person ejaculates. Neither wet dreams nor masturbation have any long-term effect on fertility, just wrist strength and chaffing.

Myth #3: Getting jacked off by a ghost is a sign of sexual frustration

Having wet dreams is not a sign that a person is not having enough sex or that they are unhappy with their sex life. Nor is tearing up a coaster in a bar for that matter.

Myth #4: Misty dreams are always erotic dreams

Wet dreams are often associated with sexual or erotic dreams. However, this is not always the case. A person can have a wet dream without dreaming about sexual activity.

Myth #4: Rubbing One out can prevent nocturnal emissions.

While some people find frequent masturbation reduces the number of wet dreams they experience, it does not guarantee a person will never experience a sticky nightmare.

Myth #5: Snoregasms will shrink your junk.

Some people believe that wet dreams reduce the size of the person’s penis. There is no scientific evidence to support this idea. No medical condition or natural occurrence can cause the penis to shrink well except for dunking your junk into a freezing cold water wherein they try to crawl back inside you.

Why do people get wet dreams after such a long time you ask? Wet dreams can happen at any time past puberty, including in adults (so basically there are no age limits). A person might have a wet dream after a long break because they had a dream that was sexually arousing. Sometimes, they might not remember their dream or know what caused it but they do know it happened. According to the smart people that spent years and years getting a degree and turning it into a doctorate, wet dreams are not cause for concern, whether they are regular or happen after a long absence.

So why is there so much shame and guilt associated with having a nocturnal emission? Like all things that are unknown there is a lot of confusion and stigma around waking up in a sea of lil love. That taboo vibe you get after making happy in your pants while you sleep goes back centuries. In fact in mediaeval Europe folklore snoregasms were caused by a succubus or incubus boning you in your sleep. For any adults having wet dreams an honest conversation with your partner may reduce your anxiety on the matter. Just remember there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

So what we’ve learnt so far in this intriguing edition of A Mind of Its Own is… Wet Dreams happen to most people and don’t necessarily stop after puberty following people throughout their lives. There is little to no research around why they happen and what causes them. For some reason there’s shame associated with making a mess in your pants while you sleep. That needs to be dealt with and talked about more often as it’s a natural thing that happens whether we like it or not. Misconceptions (Myths) are associated with Wet Dreams that have no scientific or factual basis behind them which most likely leads to the aforementioned shame and the word Snoregasm has found a place in our hearts forever.

On that note we’ll bid you a fond and friendly goodbye, wash our hands and move on to the next instalment of the blog that graces your screens infrequently these days. Much like a good book or a movie with a format that blows your mind. So until next time, enjoy yourselves, educate yourselves and most of all just be yourself…

War Pigs…

War…What is it good for? According to Edwin Starr who originally sang the hit song… Absolutely nothing.

In war there is an assumption that there is good and there is evil, there is a right and a wrong, there is justice and injustice. That’s not always the case though, nations go to war for a variety of reasons. Each party is emphatic their justification for war is righteous, but that is not always how the pieces fall on the board. In some cases there is pure right and wrong. In most cases it’s because both parties can’t come to a mutually agreeable solution that is peaceful. As humans we often resort to violence when we don’t get our way. A show of force to get what we want. Is it brought on by ego, by arrogance or by our end to control the narrative which is often driven by the two former mentioned qualities.

Before your brains begin running off and wondering what we are talking about. No, we aren’t here to talk to you about the war in Ukraine and the horrible atrocities committed on both sides of the ledger. Instead we are going to update you on a war a lot closer to home. A war that’s being played out daily by everyday civilians right in front of us all. No it isn’t a piece about your government spying on you through the interconnected world we live in. Have we got your attention yet?, because it’s only going to get spicy from here. A little like that cough out of China. The team at A Mind of Its Own have inadvertantly stumbled into non-conventional warfare at the highest level. We are talking about rolling out the CBRN suits. That’s chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear for those playing along at home.

By now you are wondering what the hell we are talking about, so let us set the scene. There are over 14,000 battle spaces in Australia alone, not to mention every other country around the world. There would be hundreds of thousands if not millions around the globe. On average at least once a day a bomb is detonated on one of those battle spaces if not multiple. These aren’t your conventional weapons, these are biological. Weapons banned by the United Nations, weapons that have been banned since the close of the first world war and reinforced in 1972 and 1993 by the prohibiting their development, stockpiling and transfer.

We should also point out that we are not calling children in childcare pigs, or in this case war pigs. As we’ve previously pointed out, all our titles are songs and sometimes have absolutely nothing to do with what has been written. In this case the term ‘War Pigs’ was popularised by the Black Sabbath song that has become a popular heavy metal anti war song. War Pigs however are sometimes used as a proud boast of one’s behaviour or attitude. It could also be someone who supports warfare as a valid way of settling political, economic or even religious differences. So in this case we are sitting on the fence. Maybe they are war pigs based on who they take their orders from or maybe it has nothing to do with the content of this piece at all.

As it turns out the commanders of these battlespaces have forgotten the rules of war and those enforced by the international community. They have taken it upon themselves to spread biological pathogens through slow ticking time bombs. Those timebombs walk, talk, dribble and poop themselves without even knowing they are waging war on poor and innocent parents and families, not to mention the people that look after them on a daily basis. Yes ladies and gentlemen we are talking about daycare and parents who send their children along knowing they are unwell harbouring fugitive germs that will spread throughout the daycare centre and families whose children attend those biological warfare spaces.

Much like Wuhan, every daycare centre is one step away from a full blown biological outbreak. Don’t worry about covid it’s just a blip on the daycare radar of viruses that run through those living petri dishes. We spoke to one family whose son had spent 6 days out of 15 at daycare in his first three weeks. He’d picked up four contagious viruses (hand, foot and mouth, gastroenteritis, Bronchitis and Conjunctivitis) all within three weeks of being at the centre. From there he spread the pathogens through surface contact, airborne particles, bodily fluids and skin contact further infecting his parents, grandparents and anyone willing to pick up the cute little germ warfare vector. According to other parents who have had several children go through the daycare/germ warfare division of modern society, the first year of childcare is hell. They, the little germ carrying warriors, pick up everything and spread it to their greater community.

It’s not the child’s fault, they are sent into the battle space like little suicide bombers unaware they are doing their commanders bidding. Much like following a radical imman the little cherubs are just doing what they are told. The big question is why are children sent to childcare sick? As parents surely, people know when their child is unwell and the way the system is set up in Australia you pay whether they are there or not. But by sending them are parents just continuing the vicious circle of biological warfare that parents play when sending a sick child into a daycare centre. We get it some parents can’t afford to take time off work but isn’t that a little bit selfish when you are then infecting other children and their families forcing them to then take time off? We are sure it’s a question whispered in the hallways of childcare centres the world over.

So we’ve got the who, what, where, when, the how and part of the why but surely there is more to it than parents just waging biological warfare on each other due to the price of daycare and having to work to put food on the table. Mothers and fathers across the country have screamed about rising cost of living and loss of wages if they take a day off with their little one to ensure they don’t spread their germs to families and friends. We researched heavily but could not find a good reason other than one mother who was honest to the point saying her child was a nightmare to deal with when she was sick so she put her in daycare, wiped her hands and said not my problem.

So to surmise daycare centres are like level 4 biosafety research facilities working on only the most lethal pathogens known to man and most likely including man flu by the time it hits dads around the world. Some parents are selfish jerks who send their snotty nosed, spotty handed and gunky eyed children into the battle space to wage war against their fellow man all for the mighty dollar much like governments going to war for riches and resources really. But it’s not all bad soon to be mums and dads. They say it gets better after the first year once their little immune systems develop. We’ve given you a list of the biological warfare that could soon be making its way to your homes below once you start sending your child to daycare.

Like prepping for the end of the world or a pandemic you’ll soon have your at home biohazard facility setup to include multiples of everything, loads of tissues, towels, washing liquid, antibacterial this and antibacterial that, spill kits and possibly even a couple biohazards suits according to several parents who don’t deal with the sick, poo and other bodily fluids that tend to make there way out during times of sickness, infection and waiting for the next day they are put into daycare to spread their germs.

According to many websites there’s a raft of common viruses that travel around childcare centres. They are even known to have times of year when they pop up and infect those around them. In no particular order her are some of parents favourite viruses to spread around childcare centres:

  • Pinkeye
  • Common Colds
  • Influenza
  • RSV – Resulting in Pneumonia or Bronchitis
  • Gastroenteritis
  • Hand, Foot and Mouth
  • Conjunctivitis

As some childcare experts have pointed out and most centres have this rule, if your kid is presenting with symptoms keep them at home, take them to the doctor and once they are cleared you can then return. Because that one day off could potentially turn into several if you don’t. Peace Out people! Be kind, be courteous and most of all be polite to one another. From the team here at AMOIO, we’ll catch you on the flip side! Man it’s good to be back!