Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s not often we’ll be sitting there and an idea pops into our heads, OK that’s fallacious it often does happen. Where do you think the bumper stickers and toilet paper posts came from? They were real life and just happened to jump out in front of us like kangaroos at dusk on a country road. Too much yeah it felt a little too much as soon as we typed it but it’s there now and you’ll move on to the next paragraph within seconds so we’ll just apologise and say sorry for putting the image in your head. But if you weren’t happy with that image then we’d advise you to stop reading right here…

This instalment of A Mind of Its Own is going to contain graphic imagery. We’ll be painting pictures in your mind that would make Bob Ross baring up and climb out of his grave to paint the town red, white and blue. Like all Bob Ross fantasies we need to move on and quickly. There’s a song by a famous Australian singer, you’ll know it when we get to the lyrics but before your beautiful, inquisitive minds start trying to guess. No, it’s not Horses or Khe Sanh which are probably two of the most famous pub songs to come out of the land down under. Oh that’s another classic as well but we digress once again. It’s a song that when sung often reminds us of those times we just need to let loose, just let it all go and just roll with the punches…

Released in 1986, wow some of our readers weren’t even a twinkle in their fathers eye back then but some of our readers were well and truly in the trenches with Tin Lids around their ankles. Fuck it is easy to get side tracked when writing shit that a lot of people don’t want to read about… Anyway getting back on track, released in 1986 the album Whispering Jack was the 12th studio album from none other than John Farnham and boy did it include some absolute belters. From You’re the voice to A Touch of Paradise both of which also get a good showing in pubs and clubs around the country by audiences young and old. However there was one other song that featured on the album that really got us going on a tangent that more or less wrote itself.

With a chorus often chanted “Take the pressure down, Cause I can feel it, it’s rising like a storm,Take hold of the wheels and turn them around, Take the pressure down”. The aptly named Take the Pressure Down became an instant classic but it also became the theme song to a lot of kids daily absolution’s and got us thinking about a topic that has plagued so many of throughout history. We once again delved as deep as we dared into the dark recess of the internet for as much raw data as possible, even reading such books as Bum Zhu’s Art of Poo, in order to write this blog. It was shit going, pun intended but as we slogged through the filth and waste a pattern started to emerge. One that needs to be talked about, one that we often overlook and one that has often had us in a rest stop toilet unintentionally fingering our bum hole through cheap and nasty toilet paper. And so it begins…

We’ve all been there, there is no denying it, we are a society of risk takers and shit takers but when we push the limits the consequences can often be dire. We’ll paint the picture for you albeit in a Poo brown. You are driving along, singing along to your favourite Katy Perry song when all of a sudden the pressure starts to build up and you need to cock the old leg and just let one rip. Now it’s a common occurrence according to Harvard Health on average, the body produces approximately two litres of flatus (the technical name for intestinal gas) daily, and people pass gas about 14 times a day. So it’s no wonder we often feel the need to crop dust our way around the office and act like nothing happened or in this case cock the leg and release in the comfort of our own vehicle.

However sometimes sharts attack and when those big brown sharts come they can be just as deadly as a shark in a pool of blood. Hopefully there is no blood though as that means there could be something seriously wrong and we recommend you see your doctor immediately. Immediately after cleaning yourself up and getting some fresh pants. First thing you are all asking is, is shitting yourself while farting common? Well the answer to that is yes and no. It happens more often than you think. Is it normal? Sometimes but there are several things that probably need to be asked.

In case you haven’t grasped it with both hands yet a Shart is a shit that slips out while you are in the process of farting. Now farting and shitting are both normal bodily functions, you’ve probably farted while in the process of dropping the kids off before but when it happens the other way around it can become quite daunting and isn’t something that should be happening regularly. Sharting becomes more of a possibility if you are holding in a bowel movement or didn’t fully empty your bowels the last time you went to the toilet but it is also more of a possibility if there is an underlying medical issue or you are just getting older. Yep that’s right the older you get the more likely you are to shart. Why? Because your sphincter muscles weaken as you get older and we often don’t look to strengthen them.

So besides the grim reaper watching over you and waiting for you to age, what other underlying causes can lead from a simple fart turning into leaving your jocks and sometimes pants in the waste bin at the highway rest stop?. As always the team of boffins here put together a list of the common causes behind an often over confident mistake.

Well firstly there is Diarrhoea and we’ve all chanced a fart with gastro that has ended up a costly mess but there are also underlying causes that often cause that. Who knew sharting could be so complex? Let’s be honest a solid log isn’t likely to slip out when you fart if you have diarrhoea so your chances of sharting while you have a spitty bum are much higher. A number of things can cause diarrhoea, including:

• digestive disorders, such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and Crohn’s disease
• lactose intolerance
• gastrointestinal infections
• drinking too much alcohol
• certain medications, such as antibiotics
• stress
• food allergies
• artificial sweeteners
• sugar alcohols

We then move on to constipation. Yeah, those large hard shits are back again and often difficult to pass and according to several articles we’ve read they can lead to stretching and weakening of the muscles in your rectum. Like a blocked pipe where there is a will there’s a way. Picture a drain pipe with an action man shoved in there by a child to stop anything flowing past it while he’ll stop all the solid objects from moving past and cause a back up the watery objects will leak their way around Action Man and his blockade. The same thing happens in our rectums particularly when we fart. Also if you’re constipated it’s a good sign you aren’t getting enough fibre in your diet,

Other causes include:

• not drinking enough water
• a lack of exercise
• stress
• holding in your bowel movements
• travel or other changes in your routine
• certain medications, like opioids
• hormonal changes during your period, pregnancy, or menopause
• IBS

Then you have Hemorrhoid’s, nerve damage, muscle damage, rectal prolapse, rectocele, which are all structural changes often caused by straining too much, childbirth, weight issues, trauma etc. These can all contribute to the art of the shart.

By now you’re questioning your ability to squeeze or slow release farts and probably wondering whether this will happen to you. Chances are you will at least shart once if not twice in your life but what do you do about it? We’ve prepared for such scenarios and no we aren’t going to tell you to forget the outside world and go and live in an underground bunker although that is an option should you wish.

If you are in public and more than wind escapes your hiney chances are it’s going to be mortifying. Firstly take a deep breath because you are going to need to do something that is hard for most of us and even a highly trained tier one operator would struggle to do in this instance. The first thing you need to do is put your ego aside and forget about damage control, you need to channel your inner Martha Stewart because cleaning up on aisle arse needs to be your first order of business. Do your best shit shuffle to closest toilet and take any of the following with you if possible:

• a plastic bag
• a cup or bottle to fill with water
• a jacket
• wipes

Once inside the washroom:

• Remove your underwear and put them in the plastic bag, or roll them up in toilet paper or paper towels to dispose of them, or you can always poor gasoline on them and set them on fire as soon as possible or put them in the wash your choice
• Wipe your bum with toilet paper. Be sure to wipe any other skin that may have been shot by your shart.
• Use some wet toilet paper or a paper towel to wash yourself if wiping isn’t enough, and dry off if you don’t have the balls to stand in the local fountain and wash yourself down.

Next, you’ll want to deal with any mess that’s made its way to your outer clothing. If possible, use the sink to wash the soiled area with soap and water and rinse. If you’re stuck in a stall, do the best you can with wet toilet paper or wipes, if you have them. If you have access to the hand dryer, you can dry the area in no time like a lot of us do when we accidentally get splash back from the urinal and finally put your clothes back on. If not, use paper towels or toilet paper to soak up as much of the water as you can. Tying a jacket or sweater around your waist like we all did in the 90’s can hide the wet spot till it dries or you make it back home.

If you are lucky enough to be at home, forget the steps above and just take it to the shower, don’t bother getting undressed, just turn the goddamn taps on and stand under the water feeling sorry for yourself. But only for a minute you still have shit to deal with literally. You can either wash those solid clothes properly or bundle up that shame in a garbage bag and take it to the tip. Finally as for the embarrassment unless someone actually sees poo play it off as a fart, excuse yourself and get out of there as quickly as your now chafing thighs will allow you! Shit happens and apparently more frequently for some than others.

On that rather foul and smelly brown note we’ll leave you to contemplate John Farnham, Bob Ross and Martha Stewart floating through your minds as you think about a common everyday occurrence turning into a shit stained blunder. So next time you’re struggling to poo or have accidentally sharted just start signing Take the pressure down. If anything it’ll improve your mood. Once again we’ve been A Mind of Its Own and we’ve appreciated your time and fortitude as you let us grace your device screen and educate you on a topic that no one really wanted to hear about. Now go and do some Kegels you’ll be less likely to shart. It’ll help you in the future!